I don't know what's wrong with me. Things have been nothing but on the up and up the past year. I have a solid job, an amazing man, soon our own place and I'm living in paradise. So why am I so unhappy and feeling so lost and alone? Why doesn't my brain work like healthy people who don't have depression? I wish there was a procedure to get rid of all the bad brain cells that don't work right. A permanent cure to depression. Instead of medicine, so/so diets and failed attempts at excersing away the anxiety. I do know it hits hardest when I'm menstruating which I've heard is normal but it tends to linger even after I'm done. So I get like 1.5 weeks of normal emotions. How the fuck is anyone supposed to live like this?
I know some of this is that I'm not happy with my job despite all the positves of it. I never ever desired to be a manager. Ever. In any job setting. I just want to design, but I have such specific environmental requirements in order for me to be creative. I question if I'll ever be able to do all the things I dream of. I have big dreams and bigger ambitions, but I'm always holding myself back. I talk myself out of doing and saying things. I'm always concerned about how others will react and treat me or disrespect me and put my ideas down.
I also have very specific ideas about how I want to raise a familiy and I thought my partner and I had the same ideas. We'd talked about them so many times. Sometimes it seems little light hearted comments will be made in an ordinary setting and one of us will say something that questions the other. Then I get into my OCD mode and get stuck in my head questioning if this is the right relationship to be in. All because of a minor detail about something that doesn't even apply yet. Ugh!!
I am my own worst enemy and I wonder if I should leave him or risk driving him mad. I don't think there is anyone out there for me. He's so good to me and patient and tries really hard to understand my mental health conditions, but I feel like I just drag him down. And despite all my friends I feel like I have no one to turn to.
I have a nasty habit of running away from my problems and I'm ready to run again. Run farther than the islands. I'm in the middle of the ocean and it's not far away from me. I hate me.