sensitive issue.

i've been texting my boyfriend ALL evening, its the first time we've ever 'dirty talked' i found it funny at first but its been going for the past hour and i'm not enjoying it. i had a traumatic year at college with a 'man' who would not put me down, i was used as his sexual dummy. i was forced to do things to him that shouldn't be legal but i did it coz i was so afraid that if i didn't he'd do far worse to hurt me more. This is were the cutting got worse, i tried to cut in places where he wouldn't see, my ankles. I became more and more depressed and wound up over it that i started cutting my wrists as a mark of desperation, i made friends with the only 'emo' on level 1 (i was level 3) he had obvious cut and burn marks all up his arms, it intrigued me, i wanted to talk to him about it! ask him how and why he did it, i longed to ask him this everyday for a long time. but never did.

So yeah back on topic, basically these texts are quite frankly begining to scare me now! i'm living on my own now. i'm shivvering all over but my palms are sweaty, my pulse is beating through my wrists and i can hear my heart thudding through my chest. Matt has told me he wouldn't hurt me but right now i'm so full of doubt i wouldnt be suprised if he lied.

this week has been the happiest and proudest of my life, and now i feel like im sinking fast back to where i was before.. 🙁 the razors, the blades, the ibuprofen are within arms reach..i didn't want to do this 🙁

fresh start is over before i can make sense of it already :'( im so sorry to let everyone down!