Ive been sick. Havent been taking care of myself or house.Just my cat who is like a daughter.
Last night after my blog I was feeling better until today,bottomline again. Im shaking, angry, crying and suicidal so just want to let this out since I have nobody to talk with.
I was going to try to clean up a bit bcause I havent done since I got sick and my sister didnt do it either. Ok I know its a mess right now but I was sick and nobody EVER visit me or care to stop by to see how we are doing. When my parents were here for vacation I was trying to be at school most of the time even when I had anxiety to get out because these same people who never called or visit came often now to visit my parents, complain on how much weight ive put on and how i should make the house look better and make something out of my life. But for who n what? Only reason it was then is because my mom is a addicted to clean things and people came to visit them everytime. I tried to smile allthe time pretend imhappy when I felt a tear I went in my room with the headache or homework excuse. anyways..
Lastnight me and sis got in a fight. There was no warm water, the thing didnt work and she knows how to do it. i asked her to do it for me so I canstart cleaning and I wanted to wash my hair too that night too sinceit was night I cant do it with cold water its freezin. She didnt. she just sat there chatting with her bf while I tried to take care of it. I couldnt do it and I had to do my hair with some cold water. It was freezing too, after I was done trying a few hours went by it was maybe after I wrote my last blog then she just got up and took care of it. Something so easy for you andyou couldnt do it when I asked you? hmmm…
This morning around 6 am, my belldoor keeps ringing. I dont open the door for nobody unless I know somebody is comming. Tht is just me and my sister knows this. She ws awake getting ready for school and she didnt evenbother to look at the door for me. She left without saying anything. I am scared to death. The door bell keeps ringing and Im here all shaking wondering why is the person doingthis to me. I went back to sleep took some pills to calm me down.Though I was going crazy. Then a few hours later again the bell, then I hear cops saying if you dont open the door we will break in. Im sleeping in my messsy house, didnt shower or brush my teeths yet, in my sleeping clothes and here were a few guys standing outside claiming to be cops saying if I dont open the door this and this will happen. I was scared, Ive read and saw many horrible stories online and by people. I decided to open up anyways.
I see these men, they all were laughing at me. I had my hair rolls on and I just waken up by this shocking situation. Here they were laughing at me like I was some clown. They asked me why didnt I open up. It was some cops and I believe firemans. I told them I was sleeping and scared.They kind of make some weird expressions with their faces. They want to get in my house because appearently the neighbour calledthem because they having a water leakkage and want to see if its from us. I said no it cant be because all the drains are closed.They said they want to come in to see anyways,all these men wants to come in me in sleeping clothes just woke up house messy, myslf messy.I felt like I was in hell, I told them to wait I wanted to get more clothes on. They said I dont have to, I told them I want to. You are all men!! I dont know you!! I was thinking this is my home, my safety zone and it wasnt safe anymore. I picked and went upstairs trying to get some clothes or somthing to grap on to feel more safe.
Then while I was dressing up they just came in saying they cant wait. How dare they come in peoples house like that. I felt worthless. The cops came in like I was some sort of criminal. I havent done anything wrong. I thought why is this happening to me. I can see on their faces the way the looked at me that they were disgust by me and everything. They just walk around like it wasa crime scence, looking in my stuff. Didnt even ask me.
Then asked me to id myself.What? They thought maybe I was in drugs ? Illegal maybe? ask me questions about who lives here etc.. I was besides sick and cold with barely anything apropiate on standing there with all these men. This was humiliating. Do you want to tell me you call all these people, cops etc just bcause of a leakage? Thought this was so weird.
They came outside too, the neighbours, asking m why i didnt open the door. Thy are having aparty today and its leaking. I want you to pay for this, call the owner of the house who is my uncle. The men left after taking care of it and 'doing their jobs' left laughing. The cop wrote my name too and something they had. Evn my cat was afraid, poor Mindy.
Neighbour keeps complaing , I said sorry but I couldnt opn up. You live there with your whole f.. family. I didnt told them I have aniety or haaing a panic attack they wouldnt understand anywys. But do you think this is the right way to treat a person. Its not like Im going to try to drain your house with water on purpose. accidents happen and I didnt know. My sister did it and left. I was sleeping.
I told her im sorry, she said she want the number of my uncle, anyways I gave it to her and call my uncle myself didnt want her to tell him another story without my story first. I feel vry bad I feel worthless, messy it was very embarassing. Its like these peopl thought i ws a drug addict by my looks and the house. The bad thing is they even laugh at me. I thought I had rights. They just kind of break in my house, anybody can do this and say they are cops. I could have been robbed, raped or even murdered. Gosh I hate this world I dont want to me in this anymore. No respect. We live in a free world? Bullshit.
You cant treat people like this. Im sure the neighbour said something els because why would the cops for this minor thing. They controled me, went into my bags etc lik Im some criminal, lik 8 men with 2 xops for a leakage? Wanting to pull down my door withouta warrant? This is not human rights. What i said yesterday that those things I wouldnt do it. I dont know anymore. Im done being nice when all I get is this stuff. Why spend so many hours torturing me like this. I will find away rto move somewhere isolated this hate I have now I dont want to hurt anybody but myself.