Exhausted. Depleted. Translucent like the air. I am a ghost today. I'm not really here, I'm just a phantom. But like the dead damned to stay upon this earth and continue to search for a light of hope, I am still stuck here when all I want is escape from these walls. No more, please, I'm begging!
While the tears seem to have subsided, the pain continues on. How long will I have to carry this around with me? How am I supposed to go back to "normal" and just pick up where I left off when I feel like there is nothing in me to give? I prefer the numbness that comes and goes at this point ~ at least it's relief of some sort from emotions. Sleep is my other release, and I think I'm going to take that route very soon today.
I got a blessing this morning when I found out I didn't need to watch Heidi today, her mom's home sick so they didn't need me. It was good because I feel so damn fragile. I don't have the will or the energy to play with a 7 year old girl today ~ it's just not in me. And she deserves better care than that. Tomorrow I have her but I'll be keeping my son home from camp and am taking the 2 of them to the movies in the morning and then they can play together all afternoon. It takes some of the pressure off of me having to entertain them. That's a great relief.
I actually feel physically ill today from all of the emotional turmoil I faced this past week. I want to throw up. I feel so sick to my stomach and my head just aches.
Today I am going to be a haunt. Like one I will make very little sound and make myself scarce to everyone in the living world. I don't want to exist today so I won't. I will be the wraith and fade into nothingness.