Hmm I thought it was time for me to write another blog; cause honestly, why not?  But when you think about it; that means people are going to read what I am writing. Im not really sure I want people to know what I am thinking.

I have this sneaky suspicion that if I write how I feel people will just mock me or just say Im doin it for attention. And no matter how hard I want to just tell everyone, even on here, that Im miserable and crying really hard; I just cant do it. It is actually really hard and I dont know what to do about it. I mean people are really understanding; but when I try to reciprocate and make attempts to help other one here; everyone just gets mad at me. 

Im actually writing this while in the chat room with people I talk to relatively often. Yet why cant I just say that I want someone to make me feel better? Actually Im offering them help with their problems and such when honestly Im in no state to do anything but cry and/or mope. I tried being subtle like changing the little piccy thing in the window, but I guess people dont notice that. Then I went to obviously far as to change my text colour, unfortunately then I immediately made a silly comment about how it was a nice colour so if anyone noticed they would think nothing of it.

Its like I want help and someone to be there fore me, but I dont want to rely on anyone or reach out to anyone. Sounds so much like a little emo teenager that I want to slap myself. But these feelings wont go away. Like sure medication stopped all the thoughts of death and such. But not I just daydream of sleeping for a few years or going into a coma.  And do you know whats worse? The struggle Im going to have to allow myself to push the submit button and then not delete it immediately.

 So there we have it folks. I hate life even thought nothing bad ever happens to me and I want to disappear for a few years.

Lots of Love

Rachel