So I’m trying to figure out what is bothering me. I don’t know…that’s not true! I do know! I feel like crying. I hate the word feel. What does it insinuate….I don’t make any sense! I saw this movie Into the Wild and it changes my life for a day or so. I turned in my two week notice and don’t even know when I’m “ending” the job. He didn’t want me to quit. I’m going to interview for a temp agency tomorrow. I’m not trying to mask my anxiety, insecurity, pain, depression with chocolate or anything tonight. I’m nervous about tomorrow. I don’t want to go back to my job because I acted pretty loopy tonight since I forgot to take my medication. I feel so stupid. I had a crazy night when I tried to drive this girl “home.” We ended up a couple other places before I finally came home. I took my medication and I’m still up. My interview is at 1pm tomorrow. I’m trying to figure out what really matters. That’s why I keep replaying this song over and over again from Into the Wild called “Society.” I fell in love with it. It makes me want to cry. I can’t take the anxiety. I don’t want to be a cashier anymore. What’s wrong with that? Why do I have to sacrifice myself to please others in this lifetime? People don’t understand how little time we actually have to live and enjoy our lives. I don’t mesh with society’s current social norms. I feel good not conforming to “needing” to stay with a job just to put it on my resume. I am a fantastic, hardworking employee. I try so hard to please others and people don’t think I give things enough chance, but I don’t want to be cashier. I graduated college, I should expect something a little better right…See now I’m trying to justify myself in a blog because I think I will offend people by saying I don’t want to be a cashier. There’s nothing wrong with me doing it, but I don’t need to do it and I have so much more to accomplish with my time. I don’t need to feel secure in having another job when I have a way of getting the money I need and especially when I live at home. I have plans, people need to stop trying to convince me otherwise. They think I’m messing myself up. Having a job doesn’t make me feel secure and comfortable. When I feel like I’m doing something worthwhile then I feel secure and comfortable with myself. People need to realize that about themselves.
Okay…I’m done. Thank you very much to all my lovely readers. Kudos to you for taking the time to read my insane insanity!
I feel a bit better, but I still think I need a much bigger release. I don't know how to bring that about.