Well I kinda have some good news. I talked to my brothers yesturday.

Actually, yesturday was an exceptional day all-in-all. I awoke at 6 am so I had plenty of time to get ready before leaving for work at 8:30. It always helps out my mood when I have time in the morning to do my hair and make myself look somewhat okay. So yea I went to work and that was okay. Then me and my boyfriend went out to eat and we had a lot of fun too. Then at 4 pm Zach left for school and I went to moms.

So hanging out there was cool because when I first got there Joseph and Matthew, my brothers, were there. Joseph had to leave after 10 minutes for work but we all talked to whole time and it was relieving to me because I hadn't talked to either of them in such a long time. After Joseph left it was just me and Matthew so we were talking but then randomly we ran out of things to talk about so we were just sitting there and it got kinda awkward. I started to feel like I was going to cry, like I always do, because I realize that the awkwardness between me and him is all my fault. But before I did I decided I would be courageous enough to bring it up with him. So I was like "Don't you think it's weird now?" He was like "What do you mean?" and I just said "Well, you know it's just awkward now…". He knew what I was talking about, and I was referring to the fact that we used to be best friends. and omg it makes me want to cry just typing this out, but we used to talk about everything and anything and we used to be so tight, but now we feel awkward around each other as if we don't know each other. So after I blurted that out to him I started to cry uncontrollably and he came over to me and hugged me and he started crying, and I know that sounds super gay, but we did and we stayed in the hug for like 2 minutes, and I felt SO much better afterwards like some huge weight was lifted off me. So I stayed there for a little bit longer until my boyfriend was out of school and he came and picked me up.

After I got home I called Dad whom I haven't talked to in a while and we talked for 30 minutes so yesturday was a pretty good day.

The only thing is…. even though I kind of opened up it still didn't feel like I got it all out. But it's just so hard for me to find my words when I get like that. I hate it, because I want everyone to know all at once, instead of having to hear little excerpts of the way I feel randomly. I wish I could open up my mind, like a book, and pour myself into them so they would know. I struggle with nothing. The only thing in my way is myself. But I'm struggling. I don't get it.