havent been in touch for fear of sounding like an idiot feeling the way i do.but then again thats why i joined this so here goes..
i said before that i went through a bad time with a peadophile when i was younger.someone that made me do things i didnt want to.he also made me look at things i didnt want to look at when i was that age.and made me make videos and other sick things for him.he told me i was too fat to be fancied so i stopped eating.when the police got involved he said he was addicted to porn and thats why he felt the need to show me every day.when they couldnt find my video amoung other videos they had recovered from his house and had to ask me questions.i lost my virginity to this man.
the eating disorders,depression and every bad feeling a got about myself seemed to stem back to there.
when i met my fiancee,i was at my skinniest weight and very ill.we went to greece on holiday and eventually i was comfortable enough around him to put on the weight i needed.we have been together 3 years,live together and we are getting married in july.he is 30.anyhow,as stupid as i may sound,ive always brought up to him how much porn gets to me.its not an annoyance the way my friends see it,it makes me panic to my very core.my fiancee admitted to lookingat it in the past but said he would stop.iwe also chatted about the internet and chatrooms id been on with the man,how hed lied and got in my head.anyway i found out my fiancee was looking at porn behind my back,and signed up to a dating site on his phone so i walked out.that was a year and a half ago.
i eventually went back because i thought maybe it was my depression or eating disorder playing tricks with me and i shouldnt be so upset,that porn is normal.he was in such a state when i finally went back and promised it would all stop.i couldnt handle porn/chatrooms/dating sites or whatever he was doing. and that he wanted us to get married.i belived him and never looked over his shoulder for years and would feel guilty for even thinking he would hurt me again.but soon he never seeemed want me anymore,and said it was just because he was stressed and nothing to do with me.i felt so embarassed when he rejected me esoecailly if i dressed up or something.2 weeks ago i was on here booking appointments for the wedding and only typed www. into google and it came up with suggestions,like most used websites,and then i saw all the porn.he had told me hed stopped but really he just deleted hte history.i panicked so much and confronted him and he said it was months ago and only once and that i could check if i didnt believe him.i wish i hadnt.i wish i had left it at that.when i checked the computer i saw an old instant messanger service which he claimed not to have used when we were together and in it were messages full of lies,dirty talk,and even him at one point admitting he had a girlfriend but he didnt know if he wanted to be with me.the last message was sent a year and a half ago.while he was trying to get me back the last time.he even told a filthy lie about the holiday in greece to some girl to impress her.that holiday was the best time in my life because i was on a slippery slope to eating nothing at all..now im engaged to someone who lied to me,did something i made very clear i couldnt deal with,and lied again when i confronted him.the chats with the other girls stopped but its ruined the relationship i thought we had.and the porn.i know i sound unreasonable,but i just cant deal with it.its the only way i can cope,and ive always made that clear.ive stopped eating as much i guess,again.