I used to have a couple of friends who I felt like I could lean on for support. Butafter I came out as an atheist months ago,(might as well tell most people you're anaxe murderer),when the depression became so bad that I told both of them how dark my thoughts were getting, one basically disappeared after years of me being there for them. Checked on me once but that was pretty much it. And I know for a fact others have done the same to them, cut them off for being depressed, so I really don't get why they would do the same.The relationship is still civil, but I feel a distance; we used to talk every day.The other- well, he's a jerk.He treats his girlfriends like crap, has an excuse for everything, can't take responsibility for his own behavior.But after I called him on it after 20 yrs of friendship, he got self-righteous. He asked why he was always the one who had to call first- I explained that on days, and I have a lot of them, when I am depressed, I'd rather not inflict it on him.Here's the kicker- I got NO feedback whatsoever, no support, no I'm sorry; that must be hard, ANYTHING, when Iopened up and told him I have PTSD. And then the incessant posting about God. If you post on a religious post of his, you are apparantly challenging him personally. I believe in freedom of expression for everyone, I just couldn't handle it every day. Long story short, I cut him loose after it became passive aggressive on both sides and I hated the person I was turning into fighting with him.It has been hard for me to open up to people for a long time for fear of being judged. Especially if you have abandonment issues to start with.It hurts when you are friends with someone for years and they go AWOL on you when you are at your lowest and you've been a good friend to them.My son's gf's mom is awesome; I am trying to build a friendship with her on fb. But when it's my turn to type, I freeze. I have another acquaintance who saw a post to a group on fb that accidentally went to my profile, and she gave me her number if I need to talk. I couldn't bring myself to call her when I needed her and I had only met her once. My psychiatrist just upped my Cymbalta, so maybe that'll help the chemical part of the depression, but I feel so alone sometimes. Therapy has been a waste of time, so I'm going to stop going. I guess what I'm trying to say is you really can't completely count on anybody to just check in every once in a while, say "Hey, I've missed you. How are you?" Yes, people grow apart, but it's painful . I may not have much to say some days, but knowing a friend is there has gotten me through some tough times, and this feeling just sucks. It brings up a lot of insecurity; a lot of feelings of worthlessness. But I am more honest with myself and other people than I have ever been able to before. And I finally, in my late 30's feel the right to express my thoughts and feelings instead of being a sheep. I know I am a good person and a friend worth having. So it's a tradeoff, I guess.

4 Comments
  1. tcsoprano 6 years ago

    i relate to this a lot. hang in there. and yes, you are absolutely a good person and a friend worth having. repeat those words to yourself!

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  2. Love_Shines 6 years ago

    People are confusing, yep.  Keep being honest with yourself.  (((hugs)))

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  3. fishman999 6 years ago

    Nothing wrong with being a atheist im the same as you a athiest were all intiteld to our religiose prefrences so dont worry about it i dont!!

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  4. lonelyjane 6 years ago

    Yeah, I find people a great mystery too. Recently I've faced the fact that my relatives and my former friends have lost their respect for me since my mental illnesses have dragged on for years after my initial diagnosis in 1977. I can see the disapproving way they look at me and hear the judgemental comments they make in response to my words or my activities. But I cannot please everyone, so I try to please myself.

    lonelyjane

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