For those who don't know what DPD is, it stands for Depersonalization Disorder. I've been suffering this almost as long as my depression and this is serving as a log for me and those who may be suffering from it as well. I have to send out a thank you to the one that helped me identify what it was otherwise I'd never would have known there was a name for it.

DPD is a disassociated disorder where the person feels "detached" from reality. A moment of timelessness, trapped, while thoughts are constantly being bombarded; an "out of body" experience. The best metaphor for it I've seen given is: Imagine you are watching a movie of yourself and the theatre is dark and only you are present. A frightening thought and even more disturbing experience.

For me personally, it occurred right after a violent dream from the past. I woke in a cold sweat and began pacing around the room. All my thoughts that were ringing in my head was that I'd fucked up and am going to be lost forever. I sat in the shower crying for an extended amount of time. I felt like I was scrambling to stay on crumbling rugged edge of a cliff. The sounds and imagery almost real in my head. I feared staring at the ceiling in the event that I would see (rather "feel" if that makes sense) the confines of my bathroom discintegrate and reveal the expansive starry night sky., This went on for what I remember for some time (maybe an hour). Eventually, I had enough sense to come to the conclusion to text someone some incoherent rant of what happened. I curled up into a ball and layed there feeling absolutely alone and lost within my thoughts. I remember my pulse racing as my thoughts continued on; "…you're a fool, what in the world are you doing? Why don't you just…". (a lot more graphic, but I'd perfer keeping that context to myself). I woke up. I've been asleep for sometime since my alarm is going off. I check my phone and my text shows 11:00 pm. The DPD attack, I am assuming had lasted for about 3 hours or so. All I know at this moment that I am typing this is that I'm lost and alone. I hope I can get through the day without any incident. It's been 7 years since these DPD attacks stopped occurring during the day.

I hope it stays that way.


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