some things are better left unknown.

im at my mans apartment while he works since i dont have school today, i got up early did dishes, cleaned up trash and while i was cleaning i came upon a typed letter in his loose change bin to his ex fiancee who had hurt him and things had ended with a while before even meeting me 2 and a half years ago,  i dont know how old it was or when he had written it but the context suggested fresh wounds and that it wasnt long after they had broken up but i dont actually know and if i asked it would seem like i had been snooping. the letter goes on to describe his deep endless love for her and fantasies of the future life they were going to have, how her beauty was exceeding that of any other woman he saw, how she shaped him, and with every word i read, i could feel the hurt in my heart run a little deeper. it was folded with "nothing is as it seems" printed in marker on it, i dont really know what to do or think, i want to run away and tell him i love him but i dont think i can do this to myself anymore. his hurt from that relationship still impacts him today, not that he talks of it or seems sad, quite the contrary but im still working after all this time for his full trust and i dont know how long i will have to pay for the mistakes she made when i am faithful and i work so hard already. i dont know if i can live up to what i read or if he has the capacity to love me that deeply or have those kind of wishes for our future after what she did. is it even worth trying anymore? he is wonderful and he fixed me when i was broken and i dont want my life to be without him, and while he exhibits caring and patience and love he never verbalizes any of it or tells me how important i am and i dont know if he ever will. i wish i had left it be instead of allowing my curiosity to get the best of me.


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