Well, this is my first thing on here. I am not too sure of how things work but i know i came here for a reason. Like most people i am lower-middle class and my parents fight tooth and nail for us to stay that way. I just signed up tonight and it was because, i am depressed. I have anxiety over what i have been taught is nonsense. To top it off, i stress over everything and nothing because of how anxious i get and how unmotivated i feel about everyday life and also wether or not my parents will find out that i still, in fact, am attracted to both and all sexes. My parents aren’t bad, no, though my mom openly speaks of her thoughts about how being gay is morally wrong, if only she knew.
This all starts when we moved to a small country town called Bowie, Texas. I was in 7th grade, in my näive state of mind, i would never fall into trouble. Now, i had always had anxiety, amd though it was not near as severe as it has come to be, it was still there. I never knew what the feeling was called when my heart sped up and my jaw clenched in fear for God knows why. I thought it was normal, so i never said a word and it might be why mom never takes it seriously. But, bbck on track, in Junior High i was alone until i met my first friend, Savannah, she was clincally depressed and i always tried to cheer her up. When she moved a month later I was alone again in a close knit school where everyone literally knew everyone. That’s where one of my best friends comes in. I was changing in the locker room after athletics and she commented on my fox undies. She apologized for being weird, but it was fine and after that we became friends.
Soon she introduced me to her other friend, who i shall call Alice, to protect her identity and also because it became a nickname. Alice and i hit it off, and we became buddies. We never talked much though. Next thing i knew, school was out and summer began. Thats when i started becoming a bit sad. I had heard of this phase and thought nothing of it, because it was normal. Did i mention i had dated and broken up with a gay guy (who shortly after summer became my best friend) in like 2 weeks?
Fast foreward and i am in 8th grade. I am still a bit sad, missing my bff of 3 years by my side, and I feel like i am going to puke from nerves. Whatever, it was normal. A month into school i meet another girl when we were forced to partner up in Leadership class. We’ll call her Kat (which also became a nickname). Well, Kat and i became really good friends and i even invited her to sit at our lunch table. Slowly she opened up, she was extremly shy like myself. At this time i had remembered what my bff and I had talked about in 5th grade. We talked about how we thought we may like girls too, which was weird for me to think, but i had repeatedly noticed how cute Kat was.
A month later, my gay best friend/ex comes over to stay the night. Now, my family has no problem with gays, my uncle just married his husband! But still my mom disagrees with the act. Well, we will call him Lloyd, which, you guessed it, was a nickname. We had stayed up late and started writing what was ultimatley my downfall. We wrote gay smut/fluff about him and popular football guys at school. Well, it was on Wattpad and 4 chapters in he accidently sent it to everyone in his contacts. It spread like wildfire on hot day after a 3 month drought. Then it started with harrassment. They tripped him. Threatened to beat him up in messages, which Kat, Alice (God only knows how, she wasn’t even in on it), and I got dragged into. And so we fought back. They called us every name you could think of to make us feel bad. And it worked. I remember in 8th period, study hall, i wrote a letter to my bff about how i wanted to die because people wouldn’t leave me alone. Ultimately it was my fault, i know, but i was still going to protect my family, which is what i had considered them.
We were fed up with nothing being done about the boys literally kicking our friend, Lloyd, around, so we went to the VP because the Principal was busy. This guy was a 6ft 4in, at least 350lbs, bulky bald dude in a tiny office that was cluttered and held him, Alice, Kat, a girl named Bee, and me. We spoke about how we wanted those who where beating up our friend punisned because there was hard evidence that they did it. He was sitting at his desk, calmly, then he sprang up, slammed his hands on his desk, and yells at us so loudly that another friend about 7-8 doors down said he could hear the faint yelling. Yes he was that loud and terrifying to 4 young girls who did nothing wrong. This guy is what made my claustrophobia worse and now i can’t handle yelling as well as i used to, which was barley at all.
We were dismissed by this red faced coach/VP to go to class. It took me 10 minutes before i could get there because i was having a panic attack, alone, in the main hall of school. I punched a few lockers i think, then desperately tried to stop crying by the time i reached my class. I didn’t talk the rest of the day. Now the funny part is, while we were defending him, he was starting crap. This went on for almost the last 4 months of school. Kat, Alice, and I were very depressed. I picked up cutting, then Kat, then Alice. Kat got very bad and would do it anywhere she could. She even brough a blade to school for it. It just felt so good, you know? We wrote poems about death and depression. Kat fell in love, and I was on my way. But then something went wrong, Lloyd threw me under the bus, said i was writing the smut (I only wrote fluff). I was hurt and angry. I blamed myself, but Alice and Kat didn’t. We didn’t talk to him much after that and we made amends with those who were once our enemies. The outside seemed better in the last two weeks of school, but i was dying inside. Testing had me on the verge of a nervous break down, (well there was the time i screamed at some people poking me while i was asleep and ran to the bathroom sobbing) but i survived and it was the last day of school. My little group had grown to 4 and we sat around in the shade talking. My two best friends admitted to being Bi, which made it easier for me to confess as well. Though things surely would look up for us now, it didn’t. My mom was suspectful of my cutting habits, but i passed it for the cats. Kat got her heart broke and tried to off herself. She gave me a journal one night, the same night we were going to sneak out with a cigarette. As we waited for her mom to sleep, i wrote. I wrote down a letter for Alice about how she was a great friend, and one for Kat. This one was different. I confessed my love in this one. We snuck out around 3am to the track not far from her house, but didn’t see our friend. So, with pissed attitudes, we smoked and then ran back. A few weeks later, mom finds out i cut and she yells at me. I get angry because i didn’t uderstand why they would yell at me instead of seek professional help. (Not that i wanted that, but i felt like they didn’t care that i felt so depressed that i fell to self harm). I cried myself to sleep more often after that. I had random body searches for new cuts. One time, i had one and she smacked me. Mom told everyone in the family and i got a million lectures.
Well, that letter to Kat? It comes up missing. She is the only person who would take it and i got my proof after she told me she didn’t feel the same and that her ex screwed her up bad. I knew that, i was helping glue back her pieces. Honestly, i never planned on giving her the letter and i was royally pissed that she would do that and so was Alice. So we told her how it was wrong, then she tried to blame me for her trying to kill herself. That screwed me up and i cried for days. We didn’t really speak all summer.
Then my mom read my journal. She saw every bad name i said about her and the family. She stopped talking to me for weeks. After about a month I prayed for God to give her a reason to speak to me. Two day later my grandmother dies and like magic moms speaking to me. I still blame myself for my grandmother’s death, if i hadn’t been so selfish it wouldn’t have happened. I miss her. Things were getting better, Kat comes over with her dad, her mom was arrested for some bs reason. Even though we weren’t speaking, i tried to comfort her, our family didn’t know we weren’t friends anymore.
Finally 9th grade rolls around and Alice and I wonder where to sit. Crickett(her actual nickname), my friend befriended because of my fox undies, invited us to sit with her and her friends. Alice and I noticed Kat (who we pick up and drop off from school) was alone. Now, I still had feelings for her, and we felt bad, so she sat with us. We became the bff trio again. We were good kids that year, though we all sunk lower into depression. I eventually asked out Alice, with the help of rapidly growing friends, MC and Sammy. She said yes and i broke the news to my mom, who was pissed that i hadn’t told her about my sexuality when she asked before. She didn’t understand that i was scared. We only went out though for a few weeks because her mom made us breakup. We were still close though.
Actually, we started a band, NeverEndingNightmare. She was singer, i was guitarist, my two little bros played bass and drums. Kat was there for moral support. Juggling school and band raised my anxiety levels, but Kat had confessed that she loved me and it suddenly didn’t matter. Of course we checked with our parents if we could date, but they said no because we were friends(which didn’t make sense). I was pissed, and we messaged about how we would wait until we were 18. My mom got pissed sent me to my room then yelled about how her daughter wasn’t going to date a girl and that it was wrong. By then random body checks ended, so i cut a little, not much though. I cried a lot more and barely talked. My mom would check my phone and ipad too, and i became untrusting to leave my stuff laying around.
We began a secret relationship for almost 3 months. She was the best thing i had at the time. She was my first kiss and i planned for her to be my first, you know, “wrestling” partner. I even, embarrassingly, proposed. She broke up with me just days after saying yes. I was a wreck. I cried in class and hyperventilated in the hall. She asked for another chance the next day, i stupidly said yes. Suddenly, her and Alice would hang out a lot without even telling me (which i didn’t mind, but they tried to keep it secret). Did i mention i was helping Alice try to get emancipated from emotionally and mentally abusive parents?
Kat constantly flirted with guys online. I talked to one guy, an ex, but we never really went far. She was pissed that i was talking to him (even though she had literally just got done talking to a boy). Her and Alice said nasty things about me through text (which i saw on Alices phone when trying to find a message in a group i had deleted) i confronted them and they apologized. I blamed myself for not being considerate of their feelings. Kat eventually broke up with me after being distant for weeks. I was ao heartbroken that i sobbed for days and didn’t talk to her. She said she hadn’t felt comfortable sneaking around and that we would wait until we were 18. That was what was keeping me going. Then i saw it. The text that said will you be my gf from a boy Kat was trying to convince to date Alice. She said yes and my world crashed and burned. Slowly we drifted apart, but we remained friends and i came to accept cruel fate. I cut again and would have panic attacks at night. I truely loved this girl.
She started being rude and mean, so i stopped talking to her. She told my mom that it was because she was dating a guy. Which, i was upset she lied and heartbroken, but i pretended not to care, so she was spouting bs to get me in trouble. She even faked a message from me that dissed the remaing trio member so she would turn on me. It messed up our friendship bad. All i could think though, was that death would be easier.
I recall telling mom that i needed a therapist and she acted as if i didn’t have a problem. Well, things went down hill. Alice and Kat were talking bad about a friend of ours, so, with good intentions, i told her. Welp, she told them and i lost two friends that day. Alice and Kay. Then things went way wrong.
I passed by and Kat, immaturely coughed “bitch” at me. Well i told her how mature that was and she said to, “shut the fuck up” and i told her to make me. I wasn’t in the mood. When i told mom, she told the principal and crap went crazy. I didn’t want a mess, but that’s what mom created for me. A very sad mess. Ontop of everything, pills at home were missing, and mom and dad were fighting really badly. So bad that i would have panic attacks in my room.
Well, i had 3 people who were still my friends, MC, Sammy, and Crickett. MC was my rock through it all since i didn’t have my bff of going on 4 years. Sammy kept me updated on what they talked about when they talked about me. Crickett, well, she actually refused to sit at any table without me. She moved the whole group, which was growing, to my lonely table. I finally finished school there and i didn’t talk to them because we moved. I still cut and was depressed and wished somehow i would die. I wrote some suicide notes, even though i could never do it. I did think of jumping off the highest part of the 2nd floor of my high school sophmore year. I was back with my bff, we an call her by her middle name, Eliza (shortned). I was reintroduced to a long lost friend from elementary, who I’ll call Tots and a new friend, Mask. I also happened to find my “fish”, Maddie. Towards the end of sophmore year, i got so stressed, i got bells palsy. Its where the nerves in you face swell and makes your face not work. For me, it as the left side and it took ages to heal, and it’s still it completely right. A bit before that though, Kat and Alice contacted me. I had decided to be friendly and try to at least be civil, but i had questions. I mean, they broke me bad, i still lie awake at night and cry and wonder what the hell I did so wrong for them to do that. So i asked them, neither had answers, and i stopped all contact with them because it hurt too bad. It still does honestly and its been 2 1/2 years.
My creativity has left me too, i have no motivation for anything i once loved and no motivation for school, which scares me. I want to be successful and healthy and likeable, but i just don’t feel like it and it stresses me out and it gives me panic attacks often. I don’t even sleep until 2-3 hours after I’ve been laying down without my phone. I hate this. I wish i could say I was clean from cutting, but i just did it a few weeks ago.
Now, let me just say, i love my family. Everything worked itself out here and i consider my mom one of my best friends. So please don’t judge her too harshley, she tries because she never had a mom around due to her mother (my grandmother who died) working 2 jobs to support her 3 kids. I don’t know really why i felt the need to write this, but it does make me feel a bit better. I hope you all abe wonderful days/nights.