I think of all the crap I have gone through in the last few days and it makes my head spin. Seeing my mom, the woman who let me be violated all those years ago is so frail, yet I yearn to be in her arms and to gain her acceptance. Why? I want her to hold me and to take all my booboo’s away! Isn't that what a mother is supposed to do? I sit there besides her feeling the heart pounding and my head screaming, and then the voices start screaming!! Hurray up, get up!! Run get away from her, she will do it again, Do what I ask the voice? And they grow silent! Now my heart is beating out of my chest and my eyes are swollen up with tears so I make my escape to the bathroom, I think great I am here away where i am safe. Locked away behind the stall door I can cry, relieve myself of this unknown tension and then she is there. She has followed me. How easily I forget that she can go where I go. So I pretend to pee, wipe my eyes, clean up my face, blow my nose, pretend I have allergies, and return with her to that dreadful situation with a mask of good little obedient girl. I sit and endure to please her, as I always have, and I suspect I will always do, but What are my voices trying to tell me?
Six days later I go to see mom again this time to say goodbye I am so sad!! Why? I don’t want to leave, I want to stay! With the woman who let me be abused or is it more? I think it is with my sister, Yes it must be that! She wants to take care of me, my kids, she can be my saving grace. Can she be the one who can take me from this hell I find myself in? No that’s not it. I want to leave my kids with her to keep there monster of a father from getting them so I can finally go through with my plan. Oh yes that plan Faulty as it is. It is not a good solution, but a solution none the less, then I snap to my senses and realize wait I am depressed and cannot think this way. I need to talk to someone. I try to call my counselor, I try to call my support group friends, I try to call my case manager, i try to call a crisis hotline, What no answer, busy signal, answering machine!!! The only option National Suicide Hotline… Ok fine I will call them. Maybe they can direct me to someone to talk to! Yes great idea!
Wrong!!! Worst idea of my life!! Call them, hello I am having trouble with the thoughts in my head they are not healthy, I am depressed and I need someone to talk to, i am in North Port Fl, yes my name is ***** I am driving**** my social is ***** sure I really just need someone to talk to. I am driving, I could go to a counselor if you can find me one, Then all of a sudden 4 cop cars surround my car and they are pulling me out handcuffing me, putting me into the back of their police car and "Baker Acting" me as an "Incompetent" Mentally Ill person who was saying to them " I have nothing to live for" which I never even got the chance to talk to them, and that I had a weapon I was brandishing!!, I had a hammer under the netting between the driver seat and passenger seat that I told them was there after I was already in handcuffs! I was took to a mental institution, still no counselor to talk with what I was originally upset about, I waited 3 hours either in handcuffs or under guard to be admitted.
SO that is what I am trying to process. Wondering how it turned out? The next day after denying me my diabetes medicines, psych meds, for night and morning, The doctor finally sees me. He says to me Ms. *** this has been a mistake you should never have been brought here; we will have you released immediately… Do you think I care at this point? The damage is done! It is irreversible. I am numb, and down, and depressed, and I don’t care, and suicidal, and everything all mixed up into a huge ball of mess!!