In October of 2008 I came back positive for Chlamydia and HSV1, more commonly known as the "Coldsore Virus".  I had spent the summer of 2008, what I considered getting over a man I loved so strongly and deeply it drove me into depression, drinking and unprotected sex to a level that some would consider suicidal and that is where we start.  In September of 08 I met the man of my dreams which was why I got tested. A new relationship, a new love, a new start…..until I came back positive for the above and was too embarassed an ashamed to tell him. I got antibiotics for the Chlamydia and decided to work out and improve my overall health to reduce the chances of any coldsore shedding though I can only ever remember having had 1 earlier that year.  I held onto this lie, sleeping with the love of my life, again, unprotected in hopes he would not catch anything. Not only foolish but down right wrong because I loved him, why wouldn't I just talk it through and use condoms? 2 months later in December he confronted me about my testing and I lied, you could say again in a way, that I had not actually gotten tested and did not know I had anything.  In January I went in to obgyn and got a full panel STD screening except HPV which my Dr. said there is no point unless over 30 because of risk of cervical cancer due to unneccessary worry and cost since they would test if a pap came back unusual.  I told him, we talked it through, we stayed together…. forward 4 months later…. trust has broken down, love is fading….we are in the middle of a discussion of me moving in with him and tells me to look him in the eye and tell him if there are any lies or anything I've hidden from him.  I broke down and told him about the first testing in October the previous year. He ended our relationship right then and there. I broke down, I cried, I begged him and then after 2 days of him cutting out of my life I decided it was best to let him live his life as he saw fit. I was too depressed. I couldn't handle him not being there so I planned a trip to a beach to get myself together, then that Wednsday he called me to talk but all I did was apologize and beg. He said goodby again. Thursday, 3am he calls me and says if I'm serious about talking to get online. We talk everything through, things are going to be alright, though rough as hell and trust must be built again. A few days later we have another conversation and I decide I will never lie to him or anyone else ever again and I tell him anything and everything I felt he might think would affect our relationship, even if it hurt him.  I review all conversations we've ever had on chat and I show him that I completely understand and accept everything we have discussed going forward. I rearrange my plans and we book a trip to Mexico. Swine Flu hits….we wait 4 days, 5 days, 6th day he says we're canceling so as not to risk things.  He reschedule's his flight to me to stay with me and have a makeshift vacation and piece our hearts back together.  He was tested in March for everything and came back negative including a urethra swab for chlamydia/gonnorhea and negative for that too. 3 days into our time together last week i started having an abnormal discharge and intercourse became painful. We decided on Sunday when he left if it persisited I needed to see my doctor. Wednesday it got worse and I found an itybity bump on the very edge of my opening so I had an appointment today to get everything looked at and another full STD panel run including a swabbing for Chlamydia/Gonn…. He isn't talking to me, he won't respond to my emails, I never cheated much less flirted with another man in the 9 months we've been together, but because of my lies he doesn't know what to think or feel. I might have a form HPV that causes warts but my Dr actually told me to not worry about it and if I have it, he could have it too and since there is no test for men for HPV and we never used protection it would be a back and forth of who gave it to who. I'm afraid of death and I've only thought of suicide one other time in my life, today was the second. I love this man in a way I've never loved anyman. I just want what is best for him, but I don't want to let him go either. I hope he doesn't leave me, but I don't want him to constantly be questioning me and my health standards. My anxiety and depression are high and I don't have insurance so all of these testings and Dr. visits have been extremely costly leaving me with little money for living and bills causing me so much stress.  I want a normal life so if he leaves me, I've decided to swear off sex and relationships until I piece my career together in a country I want to be in. I'll write again next Friday when I've gotten my results and I know where the relationship stands, if it stays at all. How much forgiveness can one man have for one woman? I get to be the test subject of our love.

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