So I was looking through the list of moods you can choose to represent yourself with in these blogs and I came across "content". My body deflated a little because that's a feeling I've always longed for but just never felt. Anyway, I will introduce myself before I start picking my life apart in my mind as usual…
Hi guys, I'm Jade. I'm a 19 year old Psychology student from England and I have OCD and depression. There's never really been a time where I've been mentally healthy. I was an anxious kid – at the age of 2 I wouldn't venture off the pavement in case I got my shoes dirty, at around age 6 I began counting on my fingers and imagining scenarios in my head to keep my family safe, at age 8 I cried pretty much every night because I would get myself so worked up and on edge. As my OCD developed, so did my depression…and by the age of 13 I had experienced my first full on bout of depression.
Now at 19 years of age I find myself dipping in and out of the debilitating kind of depression, but never without the empty, discontented, hopeless side of it. As I write this blog post I'm sitting here in the same pyjamas I wore last night. I haven't changed out of them since then and I haven't washed my hair for about four days…those statements are so far away from the hygeine-consious person I really am but when I hit these lows I just don't care. Meet me when depression isn't taking over my mind and I am one of the most conscientious, determinedpeople you will ever come across. Meet me when I am engulfed in despair and feeling as though I'm drowning and you will see someone very different. Just getting out of bed in the morning feels like climbing a mountain with no legs. It becomes nearly impossible to concentrate on studying and I just don't want to be around anything or anyone; not even the people I love. I don't clean, I don't communicate and I don't feel like there's any way out.
It's 3AM here in England and I can't sleep because my mind has been reminding me of how much I don't really want to be here right now. And as I was lay in bed thinking, I remembered that sites like this exist. I have a lot of experiences with depression that I imagine many of you will be able to relate to, so I figured I would make a new account on here and introduce myself.
Be kind to yourselves.