Everything is crap again.

Went to see mum after her hospitalizaton, she is deteriorating so I need to visit more frequently I think. Jan was ok face to face but I heard things she has said that makes me think she is being a bit two faced. I get the feeling of dissaproval from her all the time because I am fat and not as successful as her. Ok yes, I am single. I rent not own a house (or two) I am FAT. I am not as organized as a mother, wife, and boss. I cannot just suck it up and get on with it like she does. I DO cry and FEEL and am sensitive. SO WHAT…… I am still a good person and worthy…

When I got back the computer had s*****t itself again, No internet or email. Why it was working just fine before I left. Did a ghost come in and fiddle?????? I just paid $50 Aus. to Rex to fix it and he had to take bits home to test. How do these things happen when they are alone for ONE week.

One bit of GOOD news though, I have booked and paid for next years grand 50th birthday cruise around the South Pacific on the Pacific Jewel. 10 Glorious days. Now I cant back out unles a) I am dead or b) I lose BIG money.

Marg came over yesterday to spur me along with our exercise pact. I feel it in every bone and muscle of my body today.

So with all these positives then why the heading of everything is crap again????? Because I am putting on the false smile act that all is great. Its not. Last night I took too many pills, and played with the knife again. I just dont want to be here feeling like I am not wanted by any one that I am not worthy of life itself, I feel like a total waste of space just trying to fit in.

I wish my head would let me make it different.