So today has been better so far, despite the rain. I feel capable today, not dark and weepy like I've been. I taught a violin lesson this morning and really enjoyed myself. I often forget how much I love teaching privately because I shy away from it due to my illness. But I resolved to do this and make sure that my students and their parents understood that I had an illness that was episodic in nature and there were going to be times that I would have to cancel.
Right now I only have a single student, but that's a start. Hard to believe that years ago I had a studio of ten or more students studying under my tutelage. It seems like ages ago- but that was before the illness took so much from me.
I'm happy to be having a decent day. I think I deserve it. It feels great to not look in the mirror and hate who I see, to not question if I'm worthy of anyone's love or affections, to not feel like I have to pretend I am something I am not.
Today I am a healthy me. So I am going to enjoy every minute of it. I'll do some art, play violin and viola, spend time playing with my son and my animals, laugh, and give affection openly to my family. I'll call a couple of friends to play catch up while I'm feeling decent. I even felt well enough to talk to my father today. I love him but I avoid him like the plague when I'm depressed because he tends to make it that much worse. He is a big trigger for my depressive episodes because somewhere in my heart I'm still the little girl who's desparately in need of his love and approval~ too fat, too plain, too needy, never good enough to make him proud. At least that's how he often makes me feel~ or should I say, allow myself to let his words make me feel.
Anyhow, I wish for all of you a beautiful evening and hope in your heart. Sleep peacefully and deeply, and cover yourself with a blanket of self-acceptance and self-love.