It’s 2am. Again. Hoping I’ll reach sleep by 3 please.

But the thoughts keep circling in my mind.

There was an accident in my compound, literally right outside my house. A little boy was hit by a car… He was so tiny and looked so weak, it was scary. I can’t get it out of my head. The families cries, the screams, the crowd, the ambulance, the police, the quiet that followed. I don’t know if the boy is okay but I pray he makes it.

I’m scared of driving. I know I just have to force myself to try, just push myself a little and I do. I do drive, the school run, short trips, here to there. But every single time I get into a car it’s like I hold my breath, my legs feel numb yet my body is tense. I used to always fall asleep in the car, even a 5 minute ride, now when I’m on the passangers seat I can’t sleep. My body is stiff and my mind is alert, my eyes follow the road. I can’t relax. When I’m driving my heart beats so fast, I break out in a sweat every single time, even when I put the ac on full my top gets wet from the sweat. And when other cars get too close, or wiz past, I surrender to death take me if you want but take me fast I can’t watch this I can’t feel this feeling.

I can’t stop thinking about my accident. I know it’ll take time, I know it won’t be so hard always, I know I’ll be okay one day, but what about today. What about right now. How do I get through now. I know no soul is given a burden bigger than they can handle, but it’s still hard. Every day I say I’ll be okay later, but right now I am still hurting.

I would give anything to go back to that moment before the accident. Leaving the house, getting out of the compound, looking left for cars, driving on to the main road – just to this moment. I want to forget it, I want to erase it from my memory but it stays with me every day. I can’t shake the feeling.

When I saw the other car I thought I killed someone. That day, that moment, I thought I took someone’s life. Someone’s life, someone’s father, someone’s child, someone’s love, someone’s support, someone’s protector, someone’s world. I can’t express in words the weight of that feeling, it physically dropped me to the ground, my legs gave in and I couldn’t get up. It was a miracle the guy came out alive, unscratched. Not a single scratch. But what if. If something were to happen to him, how do you go on after that? How do you live after taking a life? How can you smile after taking away someone’s happiness? How?