I haven't blogged in a long time, but I just need to vent. Something that someone said to me the other day reall infuriated me. I was talking to a family member, just making general conversation, and I mentioned a dream that I had. In the dream I had gotten married, which I've always wanted to do, and instead of saying anything nice this person replies,"Oh, soyou must have been thinner in the dream right?" Seriously? That's all they can say? So the only way that I could possibly be deserving of love is if I was thinner? Those are the kinds of comments that reinforce self-esteem issues. I didn't say anything at the time, but I was disgusted at what they were implying. The fact that my weight determines my value in some people's eyes is sad to me, but holds true in my life. Also during this converstation I mentioned the man in the dream, who is someone that we both know, and she says to me, " if you ever managed ot get him, you would have lucked out." Also implying that I am somehow inferior to the point that he would never want someone like me. This makes me angry, but really it just makes me sad. That someone who I love, and someone who should love me for who I am as a person, chooses to base my value on the number on the scale. That my weight is the defining factor on if another human ever decides to love me enough to marry me.
And it's still bothering me today. It just shouldn't be like that. I'm a good, God-fearing person and I don't think that my weight gain should determine anything about me. If I lose weight it's going to be for health reasons not for my looks. And if someone will only marry me thin, then apparantly looks is all I'm good for, which for the record has been shoved down my throat since early on. I've always been told that my looks are what is going for me, and that I should go with that. I personally would like to think that there is a little more to me than just looks…apparantley now there NEEDS to be because looks aren't on my side as much with the weight gain. It hurts though. It hurts that I'm not just loved to be loved, that I'm loved onconditions, because that isn't real love.
I'm bothered. It sounds stupid, but my feeling were hurt. I'm already self-conscious, and now I feel even more like a fat pig.