3/3/13.

Since i started this new journey of dealing with all my anxiety stuff after getting off all the very sedating medicine; there have been times where i felt i wanted to die. I haven't REALLY WANTED TO die….I just FEEL like it. /well i am sick of it.

I am also sick of the "suffering" role. My life will pass me by if i can't get out of this. Its so counter productive. and its gettting the best of me and everyone or thing i care about. So F off to those of you who taught it to me and shame on me for volunteering for the role. The scapegoat too…."it's your fault!!!!" F no. It wasn't my fault. Not for a minute.

I just want to fly away from the reality that my therapy dog is losing his sight. He just had a spike in pressure and the glaucoma took his right eye out last week.. I'm having a hard time accepting Mother Nature right now. He will be 10 years old in July….My partner got him and his brother, who died of Parvo Virus, almost ten years go.Jack almost died too…it was a miracle he lived. I am so fragile…the Vet won;t even give me the honest dates of his birthday….or am i paranoid again. They are messing with me again. I know we got the puppies in the spring and his birthday is not in July.

Will my partner remember her dog has been gone so long. We just got the grave marker for the yard….to bury his ashes finally? I bought it in the hope she would want that and she did. it is an angel dog sleeping.:) My other dog that i trained as a pet assisted therapy dog died some years ago….i cant remember the exact date. It was around this time of year. I went poor trying to give him 3 more months but he told me he wanted t go. i lost my sketchbbok with pictures i drew of him. /it has to be at the house but where i go some did people steal everything…did i slip up and lose it there? /do other people lose stuff too? it's got to be in the house!!!

Anywho; Jack will be 10 this year. And its tearing me apart that i was so medicated, neccasarily so, and took him for granted because i knew he would be there. The reality is he is an old man. I need to accept that. I need to spend better time if he wants. He is happppy irrisistable dog. he goes to my partner now because i have let him see to much grief and hurt.

He helps me with my anxiety disorder. There was no one who was safe and i wasnt allowed to have animals. He and i have a bond that is unbreakable. His new harness may not workout….if he pulls on it then it will increase his eye pressure. If he cant wear his harness then i cant take him everywhere. I don't like America right now because people are so thinking dogs are dirty or do not belong in public places, businesses…."indoors". I want a vcation in Paris or Barcelona with my dog right now so we can sit and socilize in cafes and i can drink real cappacino. And, he will be served bottles water and biscuits. 🙂

Its a dog….people say i m too sensitive. He is my heart and soul. /i guess my heart and soul re too sensitive. wtf is wrong with that? A lot. I have to fix it and only Vesta, and Buddha and God himelf can help me. I am too sick to be any good to most….even my partner ; i say the wrong thing. I hurt her when i dont mean to. /it tears me up inside.

I inherited something special from my Grandmother that died when my father was born. I only know her first name….he didnt know her maiden name. i am going to try to find out why and what. My Grandfather changed the fmily name 3 times…..what was he running from? I just want to find out about my Grandmother. My other Gram will be 88 3/27/13. She has vascular dementia and was the closest woman to me alll my childhood. /she had bipolar and let me play with pint and alll sorts of crafts.i call and send cards. I don't know if she gets them. "They" think I m crazy. I am sending them directly to the nursing home now..

My Partner is a saint to put up with me. I am not easy to live with right now. i feel like a "bad seed". Am i a bad seed or is it just a feeling???????? i love and try to respect people, have ethics and values,…morals. "The kid with something very wrong with" me. I couldn't tell the PHD as a kid….I knew my father would kill me.

It is my lot in life….this reality. I will prevail. he heck with them all. if they ever change….fine. But "til then….they are poison to me.

i have new friends at the center. They missed me while i was gone. I'm hoping to find a few lifelong friends. Gramma said "you cant count the number of true friends on one hand". It was hard for her to trust. It happened to her too. The mental illness and ALL. She told me and I tried to get her help but she had the stroke. i wish it took hr long term memory because i know she carries that shit with her….and they dont know how to deal with her….but she is teaching them lol.

thats more thn enough.

my pan is to do artwork and have rec time for me and my family. The other dogs hve bells on their colars now so Jack can find him. I put bells on everyone….we are going thru this together…..with bells on. /we will alll be there with bells on. 🙂