Today has not been so good. Or has it?
I got up early and went to the Westpark Centre to meet my Community Psychiatric Nurse for our weekly meeting, though I didn’t have one last week. I really needed to talk to her. When I got there I checked in and sat in the waiting room.
For some reason the reception woman was all like “oh, has anyone seen Claire” ect. No one could find her. It was 20 mins later that I heard her laugh in a nearby room. I started freaking out. Did I have the wrong day or time? Does she actually want to see me? Do I want to see her? Do I really need a CPN? What will we talk about? Everything was running through my head, I had to get out of there so I waiting till no one was looking and ran off the hospital grounds. I was so excited and angry and confused.
I checked my diary… I had the right day and time written in.
I then went to my doctors appointment. I like my doctor, she is a bit of a hippy. I like that. She normally throws medication at me, but not today.
I sat down and she said “so you discussed with your psychiatrist your borderline personality disorder?” did I? when? I said “Yes” I was ver intrigued. She had a letter on her screen from the psychiatrist. This made me really want to punch her and have a look.
I did some laughs, when she asked about my drug usage, I said “not really” then she asked me what I had taken… “Cocaine, ketamine, acid, weed, ecstasy, MDMA” She didn’t find it hilarious as I did.
I have been told to stay off them, to stay of caffeine, alcohol, sleep properly and blatantly, be normal, which considering I act on feelings, it is kind of hard.
So, now I am wanting to claw at my skin. I just bought 100 valium pills.
I am not allowed any medication, apparently nothing will help me. Oh great, so why the fuck do all these people keep involving themselves in my life if they can’t actually treat me?
I don’t think I am borderline. I am signed of on the sick with depression, I have been for 8 months now, I had just got round to thinking I was depressed and now this!!