I was so tired last night that I feel asleep watching the Will Smith movie Hitch. I was planning on just having a nap, but that turned into me not waking up until morning. It did feel strange not writing or logging on yesterday.
Yesterday was a mixed day. I went to classes.. .I wasn’t going to go, but I ended up going, so i guess thats something. In one of the classes I had we were a "Management board" and we had to decide on the order of which we should be training staff. Lucky me got out-voted 10/1 on the most important issue. I’m always getting outvoted. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I was disussing this with another of the teachers, and he advised that he would have voted the same as me. So I guess that made me feel a bit better. It just makes you feel like crap to have a group of people say that your wrong. I guess we get it every day.. I wish that I could just get over these things, and not let them bother me. I’m too sensative. I’m a fool.
The second class was good. Its actually a class i’m actually interested in. We got out almost 2 hours early so that was nice.
So now its saturday. Oh joy. I was planning on doing some things, but I honestly cannot be bothered, or motivated to do anything but sit at home and sleep. I’m so bloody usless most of the time. I don’t know why I attempt to do anything. I must have the worst will power than anyone in the world. Just another Saturday I spend at home. Doing nothing of importance. Well I do that any day of the week. Saturdays always seem to be a bad day for me. I’m not sure why.
I was watching the movie "Se7en" today.. I was thinking about the "deadly sins".. I think I have done every single one.. I guess I’m not going to heaven. Not that I really ever believed I would. If these are "Deadly Sins"- should I die?.. that is such a good question, and a question I don’t think I can answer honestly. In so many ways I don’t feel like I’m worth anything, and death is the greatest option I have.
Gluttony, Sloth,Envy,Wrath,lust,Greed, Pride. Something interesting about the sin "Sloth", it used to be known as the sin of " Sadness or despair". I guess that makes all of us here sinners. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news everyone. I’m sick.. I’m unwell and there is nothing that can be done about it.
I had ideas of punishing myself again today. Like stabbing myself or .. I don’t know.. just something… Feel the pain. Let me know that I’m alive. I’m just so sick of acting like the happy one, when inside i’m screaming. Its just.. I don’t know.. I don’t have any words for it.
I need to get a new life.. I need to get.. something.. anything.. I don’t know.. I don’t know.. I can’t find any more words.