Hey guys,

I haven’t been doing so good.  I just wanted to apologize if you have been trying to talk to me and I haven’t been replying.  I’m having a really hard time managing my anxiety and depresseion and when I talk about it it hurts me a lot.  I haven’t figured out why yet, but I don’t think I wanna figure it out.  This is all hurting me too much.  Anyone know what  I’m trying to say? 

Ok, here’s my major problem, I constanstly think of things to upset me, and it’s really taking a toll on me, because I don’t control these "thought.s" For one example, I like this guy, and I’ve liked him for a long time, he’s gorgeous and he’s a great guy.  (we’ve stopped talking though because of my depression.)  And everyday my mind tells me that I don’t like him, and that he’s an asshole(can i write that on here>).  And I fight with my mind, because that hurts me.  I cry about it everyday, and I know it’s not normal to worry about something like that.  Why am I worryng about my feelings for someone or if I’m attracted to them?  That’s NOT right.  I should be able to just wake up and not think about it, and not worry about it.  I should be able to want to tell a story about him without thinking in the back of my mind "oh I don’t even like him."  It’s driving me insane!  And the worst part is I KNOW I like him, I KNOW it’s just my anxiety/depression that’s doing this.  And I really can’t take it anymore.  Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?  My mom will not take me to the psychiatrist, once a week I have a breakdown in a public place like school, or gymnastics class, but she still doesn’t understand.  And I’m getting to the point where I can’t handle it.  Like my mind keeps telling me all these things, and I’m afraid that it’s going to tell me something worse, or I’m going to stop being able to control myself.  If I can’t control my thoughts or feelings, how can I keep on controlling my actions?  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  And I really can’t do this on my own.  I try, and it works for 10 minutes, seriously.  I’m afraid that I’m really at the end of my rope.  I don’t wanna lead this life, and once I get help it.’s going to be late. I’m going to end up gay (nothing wrong with  being gay but thats another thing that my mind is tearing me apart about) and I’m going to end up broken just because of my mind.  I just can’t do this much longer.  And if it ever goes away, it’s only for a day or two at a time, and I just crash even harder.  I just wanted to help you all understand a little why I never write on here or anything.  So thanks for reading.<3

 

xoxo, Nikki

 

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