I told myself: Friday I will put myself together. And I did. So far (5pm) I’m doing quite well.
I’m very fond of this feeling in control over my emotions, and hence my life… but I have to admit, I cheated. In the morning I took 2 pills of Neurontin (aka Gabapentin that mimics chemical structure of GABA; anti-epileptic and anticonvulsant… imagine putting something like that in your body. Do you know exactly what it will do to you? Do your doctors exactly know? Not all of them got As in psychopharmacology. Are you a little bit too trusting?) for my anxiety.
Yesterday at around midnight I tool 25mg of Seroquel. After reading all the horror stories about its side effects, I waited to at least feel groggy and sleepy but instead stayed up till 3am and went to bed disappointed. I did get the munchies though. I’ve never had problems with weight; I never cared about it. I don’t even have a weight scale at home. However I’m well aware that my eating and exercising habits are very poor. During studying season I eat vending machine food and my only work-out is running behind the bus after falling asleep studying in the Starbucks near the bus stop. It was funny when I was walking to my biostatistics class I noticed an article posted on one of the bulletin boards – “Zyprexa, Risperdal and Seroquel, among the 10 most commonly prescribed medications, are just as likely as older antipsychotic drugs to cause a fatal heart attack, a study finds.” (LA Times, Jan 15, 2009. Now you know where I live, lol) Fun, fun! What do you say, lovers of psychotropic medications?
In any case, I did go to all of my classes today, which is quite an accomplishment at this stage. At one point I saw a friend of mine from the Red Cross Club that we are both involved in. He was upset (with me? I didn’t go to the last meeting) and very crass when I tried chatting with him. He is like that, so even though the encounter made me feel extremely anxious, I don’t resent him. I have responsibilities that I’ve neglected, and I feel very guilty that I’m such a mess that I can’t fulfill them. For example, today the Red Cross is holding a dinner for those involved with a blood drive and I have to be there as one of the representatives of our chapter. Thinking about it makes me want to use my magic powers to get under my blanket in my bed at home right this second. I don’t want to face all these people I barely know. I don’t want to do anything but sleep. I asked a friend of mine to come be my support group since the dinner is free anyway. Still I’m sitting in the library right now feeling stressed to the max. But I said to myself that this Friday will be fine. And it will be.
There were some good parts of today though. I finally got in touch with my music side. I’ve been listening to A State of Trance 390, a radio show by Armin van Buuren (too bad I missed him at TAO ’08) and a podcast mix by DJ Brad Miller, and I’ve felt very ‘in place”. The beats were exactly what I needed to hear. At certain times I need certain music, and today my self and my music were completely in sync (my ears were receiving the right kind of waves? haha, weird). I don’t know how to explain it well, but to me it feels purple. It’s a nebulous, undulating, steadily pulsating, deep purple with specks of silver. Like Astronomy Picture of the Day. Like the universe inside of me is finally settling in order. It feels right.
I know I’m weird.
Soon I’ll have to go to the dinner soon. I really want it to be alright.
Orion Nebula: The Hubble View
A shout out to all the Dtribesmen: you can do it! You are all amazing, unique people who have so much to offer to the world. I’ve stalkerishly met you through this website and you touched me. I know it’s hard, painful and at times fucking unbearable – but you can overcome it. Or at least, find your own purple 🙂