I'm distracting myself tonight, taking a break from drama and heartbreak.  No ruminating on the ex boyfriend, not even any checking of email!  I am destressing and enjoying my evening – all by myself.  

I wrote a short list to remind myself of things to think about when I need to cheer up.  Here's the list (it may sound a bit odd, but then perhaps I am):  1)self-discipline, 2)anthropology, 3)one day at a time.  

Self-discipline is on there because I just realized today that I have a problem denying myself things, and a hard time making myself do things I do not want to do.  I had a little epiphany that if I make some effort to practice self-control (for example, not emailing the ex boyfriend every day, not checking email all day long, for starters), then I will grow stronger and eventually become used to doing what I need to do, instead of what I desperately feel like doing.  Make sense?  One thing I have trouble doing is making phone calls (because of my anxiety) but you know what?  There are phone calls that need to be made.  So I will make them, and my life will be better because of it.  No more babying myself in that way.

Anthropology is included on the list because just in the past week or so, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life.  I feel strongly that I want to make myself a better person.  One way I want to do this is by going back to school.  I live in a university town, filled with professors, students, scholars….lots of brilliant, interesting people.  I grew up here, and always liked the idea of being a scholar, researcher or professor.  Being around my ex boyfriend (who's a post-doc) and his friends solidified this idea in my mind: I want to be one of those smart, really well-educated people, with a passion for learning and a subject that fascinates me.  Well, I have a bachelor's already, in art, but I'm not interested in following the art path anymore.  Anthropology is a subject that I always really enjoyed in college.  I loved being sent out on field assignments, and I traveled all over the state visiting places (museums, petroglyph sites) that my professor assigned as projects.  I even enjoyed writing papers in those classes, and got good scores on my tests.  I love being outdoors, and people and history fascinate me…..so I decided I want to pursue a master's in anthropology, starting as soon as possible.  I think I've finally gotten my student loans out of default (a long story), I will call the company tomorrow and make sure.  Then I will be able to apply for new loans to go back to school.

Finally, one day at a time is on the list because that is the way I want to take things 🙂  I realized if I look far into the future, thinking about romantic relationships (and my current lack of one) I will just be anxious.  If I concentrate on what's going on around me, I will grow, and become a more interesting person, and I will attract others to me.  I have a lot going on in my life right now: a new job, my son starting kindergarten, a busy toddler daughter, a friend in town for the summer. a new friend to hang out with, taking the kids to various summer classes…..these things are plenty to keep my busy and happy, without needing to feel incomplete simply because I no longer have a man in my life.