Haven't blogged in a few days and a fair amount has actually happened since then.

My mates Mum apolagised about what happened at the restaurant, and in fact said she was ashamed, which was surprising as I really thought she was going to be angry with me! So that took a fairlybig stress off.

My friend Liz also came down to visit me on Wednesday and we had a big chat about all the things that have been going on. She is such a supportive friend and although I still feel anxious when talking with her I know I can say anything and she won't judge at all.One thing that I found useful was that we had a bit of a long chat about my recent ex girlfriend and in a lot of sences I realised how actually she was perhaps not right for me at all, that it was probably better that we broke up when we did. So that helped!

I still wake up each morning thinking about her though.. It's been a week and 3 days now since she left me and I guess it is definately still too early for any of those feelings to subside! God dammit!

4 or 5 days ago I actually woke up to a txt from her which was a shock, and actually put a bit of a downer on the start of my day. She basically said that she wassorry for what happened, that she didn't mean to hurt me. Also that she knowsI have questions, which Iam now not sure I do anymore, and that ifI want to ask them I can anytime.I told herthanks for getting in touch but I'm not ready totalk yet. I basically wanted to ask her how long she had been thinking of leaving me, why she suddenly left when she did as when she did leave me I froze up and just had to go withoutsaying much… I'm now wondering whether knowing the answers to those questions will actually benefit me at all.

Yesterday I had a bit of a freak out whenI thought that I was going to lose my house in Brighton. My new housemates haden'tsigned the contract yet and it was meant to be renewed on the 15th, so the estate agent was threateningto put it back on the market. This really got to meand I ended upgetting really worked up,trying fairly unsuccessfully to let out some of myanger and thenspentmost of the remander of the day contemplating suicide methods… I guess I need to work out a method ofpreventing these freak out episodes. Got a sessionwith a counsillor on tuesday though, I'll ask herthen.

Today I want to have a good day, I want to stay level, be productiveand see some of my local friends which the fear of anxiety has prevented mefrom doing. But I'm going to fight it,deal with the anxiety and perhaps even enjoy their company! For now, I'm going to go on a jog.