I'm tired tonight my friends~ and I don't know how that can be because I slept for 5 hours today. Maybe all the stress from the doctors visits and such sucked all the energy out of me.
The day went pretty well, and went by quickly because of my long nap. It was nice though, because I was tired and needed the sleep but on days my Mom is home with me she becomes very irritated and disgusted with me ifI nap. It's as if she believes that she is the only one who deserves them since she works 5 days a week. But I'm learning that it doesn't matter what she thinks as much~ on Monday I'll be 32 and it's time to do what I need to do to take care of myself, whether she agrees with my methods or not.
Tomorrow Aaron and I's weekend begins when he gets home in the morning. Since I'm not going to be working we'll be able to go out and do some things alone together; probably brunch, Barnes & Noble, maybea matinee movie. 🙂 Or we could just sit at home and be bums all day, which is fine with me too. Like I said, I haven't had much energy lately.
I had my therapy appointment with Darcy tonight~ and I expected it to be a good session; one that wouldn't leave me in tears. Yeah, I was wrong. I told her about my dream about my Dad, and then some really painful information my mother had shared with me about my Dad wanting to take me away from her when I was not quite 1 year old, and then give custody of me to my rich aunt. Supposedly he didn't think Mom could do as good a job as my aunt in raising me because we were really poor. But the things that hurt me worst about it was that he didn't want to take me to raise me himself, and that he was so vindictive of my mom's decision to divorce him that he would try to take me away to punish her. I always knew my father could be cold and calculating, but I never realized how vindictive and punishing he was until now.
So that became my therapy session. It was another heartbreakingly painful one, trying totalk to the little childhe abandoned and wanted to give away without asecond thought.Trying to explain to that child that it had nothing todo with her, that there was nothing wrong with her, that she was beautiful, loved and wanted byso many people in her life. That his absence wouldbe noticed, but shouldn't be a focal point. Yourdad is a mess, I told her. It's okay to love him but you'll never be able todepend on him. He is fixated on finding some kind of inner peace of sorts, and it takes precedence over everything and everybody in his life…and he will try to find it with women. But your mama thinks you make the world spin,and you're grandparentslove you to pieces, as do your aunts and uncles.
I cried through all of it, trying to talk tothe little child that I was, trying to explain to her that it wasn't her doing, that daddy didn't leave because she was bad or ugly or thatthere was anything wrong with her. It was because herdad was sick in his own mind and heart thathe couldn't make room for her.
I haven't cried since my last session with Darcy almost 3 weeksago. I'm really worn outemotionally from the visit and the ground we covered. It scares and amazesme how much damage there is from my childhood and teen years that I never saw before~ thatit took someone outside of me to look at what I was saying and feeling and put the pieces togetherfor me. She also thinks that because I've been separated from myself as a child for so long couldhave a lot to do with my severe yearning to have another baby.
But I'm home now. My son is sleepingon the laid out futon thathas become his second bed for weekends in my apartment, peaceful andbeautiful. And I wonder while I look at him and kiss his forehead and smell his blond hair and touch hisbeautiful facehow anyone could ever abandon a child like that. I would die if someone took my son from me I think. He's everything to me.
I guess there's not much else to say. My foot continuesto feel better, but stillsore because thenumbing agenthas worn off andI guess it takes a few days for the cortisone to really work. Buteven still it's much better than it's been in years.
I have so much to be grateful for: my son, my husband, my Mom, my friends, a place to live and food on the table and enough money to be able to do a little extra now and again, and my pets. But most of all, I'm finally beginning to understand who I am spiritually and where I'm headed. That's a beautiful realization and something to look forward to. I guess I couldn't believe that God could love me, because I couldn't even love me. But I seenow that I deserve to love myself, and can start building a relationship with him/her because I finally am starting to see that I'm worth loving and caring about, even with all my difficulties and mistakes and really bad choices. It provides me with a sense of peace that I've never had before.