So its been awhile since ive blogged or even been back on this site but it has helped me so much in the past that i felt at this time in my life it will help me again. Ive grown so much in my journy with anxiety thanks to this site and blogging and just getting advice from people who are going through the same things as i am. The last 9 months of my life have been a living hell for me the amount of tragedy ive gone through is alot and in turn has left me questioning everything i feel like im just a empty shell id go into it but it really is a long story in such a short time. I guess the gist of it all is my father walked into a hospital in december and i watched him deteriorate to his death in may i was powerless to help him and it has really taken everything from me my anxiety at one time i thought i had in control feels like the very first panic attack i ever had i try to keep busy i work full time and have responsibilities so as much as i just want to stay in bed and shut myself off from the world i cant which makes it worse because i just have this pit in my stomach from swallowing my feelings and stresses down so deep inside me. I feel emptyness and ive noticed that just everything in my life that i thought i was happy with im not i just keep pushing everyone away from me who i use to love and enjoy being with far far away not really sure why this is am i running away from dealing with my emotions or in the process of dealing with my fathers death ive just opened up my eyes and seen the things that use to make me happy as a illusion or a security blanket so to speak not really sure and now im just rambling and im sure youve all been able to tell as this whole blog is my thoughts just pouring into my head as a huge run on sentence so ill end it with this im happy to be back on here and im hoping to start a new chapter in my life and help deal with my current anxieties