Well, today my mother decided to sit my sister and I down for a "talk". Of course the entire thing was about how much I fuck up and do everything wrong. They always make me feel so much worse about myself. They KNOW I constantly beat myself up over things and that I\'m trying really hard to get a job and be successful and everything, but they just make it that much harder. Afterwards I was playing guitar and singing to try to make myself feel better, and of course my mom was yelled at me and slammed the door. She makes me feel worthless. Like I\'m told by everyone that my music is amazing and I\'m really talented, but what is that supposed to mean to me when my mom doesn\'t even want me to exist? I know it sounds dramatic, which isn\'t me, but she\'s gotten so out of hand. She never has anything nice to say to me! Sometimes I randomly ask her if she loves me, and I kind of make it in a joking way so she doesn\'t think I\'m crazy, but she does anyway. I really need to know, I need to hear it and I never do, not even when I ask. I want to make such a huge difference in the world and help people, I\'m releasing a CD of 20 songs that I wrote on my own, I\'ve got a non profit organization coming together with a big benefit concert coming up this summer, and none of this will mean anything if I can\'t feel loved by my own mother. I just want to walk out and say eff her, but I just have this loyalty to my parents embedded in me and I can\'t do that. I was kicked out not too long ago and stayed with my boyfriend for about a month, they begged for me back the whole time and now that I\'m back I wish so much that I never returned. I\'ve been trying to get my parents support on taking online college classes, we have a lot of financial problems so it hasn\'t really been an option for me to attend college even though I\'ve wanted to. I looked into online classes at Kaplan University and I\'ve been talking to an admissions guy for a while, and when he called my mom she acted completely supportive on the phone, but how does she act with me? Like how in the hell do I expect to even get through college, I\'m not very smart. Yeah, thanks mom. She\'s basically told me time and time again that we don\'t have the money and that we won\'t recieve financial aid because my parents have good paying jobs, it\'s just that the bills/debt take it all away. My boyfriend says he has college loans that he doesn\'t have to start paying off until after he graduates. Why is that when this is mentioned to my mother it goes over her head? Yesterday she even refused to try to sell any of my CD\'s to her friends and co workers for $5.
I hate to complain but I feel so empty lately. I\'m falling apart. I want to say I don\'t need the love of my parents or their approval but deep down it KILLS me. I can\'t even get out of this house, where am I going to go? Where else am I going to get any support? If a person needs something, they\'re supposed to be able to talk to their parents and depend on them. If I don\'t have that, where else am I supposed to get it? I literally spend my days in the basement on the computer anymore because I don\'t want to be around my family. It\'s a risk to even go into the kitchen for a meal because I\'ll be attacked. The worst part is that even when I was in therapy, my mom OBVIOUSLY played innocent. I know she cares for me, very deeply. I just wish I could feel it more often. She refuses to spend time with me or do anything with me, and whenever I want to talk she\'s busy watching soap operas or obsessively cleaning the house. "Too busy for me", that\'s what it is. She says I\'m disrespectful and uncaring. I guess I\'m the problem.