Sunday, December 31st, 2006

Time: 10:15 pm.

I am trying to hold on so much to this life, I have, you may think Iam crazy to be depressed, I have a loving husband,and a beautiful child growing inside of me, or so I think, havent got to first prenatal appt yet, I am hoping he/she is doing ok. , I have an apartment, well let me firsttell you a little about me, I have been depressed since I can remember, and parts of my life are missing, and those I dont know if i was depressed or not. but yet for along time now. So it wasnt some hs thing, or just a little thing that people go iam so depressed,and two minutes later they ar ehappy no iam like this all the time.I know maybe I am repeating myself from other blogs and I just dont care, I need to get this out. I have been trying in the last few weeks to make it just the way Iam, and it is not working, I quit the meds I wason bc they werent helping actually hindering me from gettin gany better, not going to go into that. Well today I realized something of importance to my little mind, that these thoughts this depression and all of it, is really too much for me to bear alone, I need to have someone there to help me with this. I tryed phyciatrists and phycologists, and such, no such helpthere,and I have tried their pills/meds,I will keep trying with that,but I Just wish that someone would understand, andnot keeping tellingme to get over it. I looked at my body todayand all I could see that I thought was ok, was my fingernails. I don tknow why my husband even finds me inthe least bit attractive sexually or otherwise. There is nothing about my appearance that I like. I am fallingdown again,and I can not get myself up. I have been crying a lot lately< I just havent been able to hold it inanymore. I knwo it is bad to hold it in,but I dont like to cry around people, esp my husband,and lately I have been it is so awful,to have anyone see this weakness, this evil tears. Andfor what?? when they ask what Iam crying about?? what can i tell them?? i dont know. that sucks. but it is true, that is how I know this has gotten ahold of me. I don t want people to readthis blog, bc I feel like why would anyone wan tto be around me if I am this broken inside. Tuesday, January 02, 2007 numb so here I sit again, thinking about life. I tried to watch butterfly effect 2, but my hubbys computer kept messing up. Iam very sad, bc my husband didnt get aride home today, and well I need him to be here right now, considering all that has happened in just one day, and the doc calling and such. I went all the way to balboa hospital, for what I thought woudl be simple but it was way more complex.I have an appt on friday, I have to go to. I really dont know how to describe how I am feeling right now , really really numb. I dont want to tell anyone anything aboutwhat is going on,and I think Iam going to keep it that way, bc it is better for me that way, I know iam being selfish, but I need to be. I let my heart out too many times, and now Iam going to keep it in. I am going to take some pills and then go to bed. HOpefully if i can sleep. LOVES ~edit 9:17 pm~ I am still awake, and why do i cry on the phone with my husband, and how can i take sitting there, hearing that iam a habitual aborter, adn that my body doesnt keep babies. supposed to make me. today i fel t so numb, now I am going to drown out my sorrow. I wan tto give up, if it wasnt for him i would be gone, truthfully. I write this bc My heart is breaking inside and out. I just wan tto know that why? why me? am i so horrible that god wont even grant me to havea child? I live with such emptiness already bc of fucked up brain, why does things like this have to happen just make it all worse. I just want to be ok. I just want to be lucky like everyone else, who has wonderful babies. and children. I just want to have my dream, lived out. I just want to be that woman. And yet I am not. Why? I am just but a seed in the wind, and I dont see the way i am going to stop crying tonight. heres what happens after iam numb. I break down..I just need to know. and i dont want to cut, I am trying so hard to stay away...I need to know that life is not a big fucking lie. I dont want someones religious bs, I just want the plain old and simple. Maybe I am not meant to be whole ever, maybe my fucked up life is bc i deserve it. for all those times whenI wasnt so kind when I was younger. I dont know...I wan t to stop shaking, but everything is just a big mess. I really dont need anything but to just drink, or take some pills, and if you read this and judge me FUCK OFF. fuck off. I just nee d to write how i feel with no judgement. I nee dto feel real again.