Thank goodness for my little sister. She is very strange and has just my sense of humor.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel the same way about my older sister. In fact, I dislike her quite a bit. We’re opposites, and not even the kind that compliment eachother. She’s everything I don’t want to be. And I think I dislike her even more because I am scared that I’m a lot more like her than I’d ever be willing to admit.

She’s unbelievably self-centered. She’s immature. She’s no Einstein. She craves attention. She sleeps around. I just can’t stand her. We got along a lot better as kids, seeing as we are 20 months apart in age. But even as kids we fought a lot. Even though I was so shy, and had so little, she had to take whatever I had and up me in any way she could. I remember so many times she would run off with my friends, she took my things. It’s not just a matter of “that’s the way life is, older sisters pick on younger sisters” sort of thing. She’s always had to put me down.

My mother and her made me so miserable. They always made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to do what other people did because of my weight. And now my sister tries to tell me she’s always supported me and she’s so incredibly conceited that she thinks if she tells me “how she really feels” I’ll have a mental breakdown because of it. “I know you’re going through problems, but you’re so negative all the time, I try to do everything for you and you don’t appreciate me at all.”

She doesn’t understand me, and I clearly don’t understand her and I really just don’t ever want to have anything to do with her. I don’t think she’ll change, and the way I work is I push people away that I don’t need. And I don’t need her. I don’t need her to belittle me and make me feel like I don’t belong. Thank you, I feel that enough as it is without encouragement.

Today was just one of those days. I didn’t feel anxious, but I just couldn’t get out of bed. Not only that but it really hit me today that I don’t have a job to go back to. It just really makes my heart stop to think about it. I can’t drive, I can’t find the motivation to walk, I can’t motivate myself to do anything.