I fear anymore that my son who is only 16 months will be taken from me any day now by God. I want him to have a long and full life but I just fear that he will be taken early in his life. I don't know how to get that out of my head.
I say I failed my son because I live with my parents and so when he is asleep I go out with my friends most nights if I am not working. My mother makes me feel like I do everything wrong and so I feel like a bad mom. She has pushed her way in as the mother pretty much and so I feel like I am not needed. I take care of him on my own in the morning and afternoon but once I have help I back off so much it's almost as if I'm not their. Honest when my mom comes home my son goes to her and wants to have nothing to do with me. I don't feel loved or needed or wanted anymore in my home. So I go out late after work and stay out late. My mother says that makes me a worse mother. I want to enjoy life since I am only 20 and I understand I have a huge responsability. I just don't know why it is a big deal for me to be home when he is asleep and has been sleeping all night for months now. But I feel bad for not being a mom anymore the problem is I don't feel needed or wanted as a daughter (my mom doesn't talk to me anymore unless to bitch) or mother. So instead of dealing with the pain I rather just go off and have fun with my friends. The other night I was thinking that I should have given him up for adoption. I would be able to go back to school, work full time, and do what ever I wanted and that made me happy but knowing I wouldn't have him or knowing he may later feel not loved or wanted by me made me shudder. I felt like the worst mother ever. I love my son but why do I not get a life anymore? Its like I can only have one if I choose to not be a good mom and recently I have failed him.
Well I can assure you that I am a little older than you by four years I am 24. The 20's is a fun and new age even with or without kids. You had your baby at an early age but that doesnt mean anything. You can still have fun but you have to remember that you have someone who needs you and loves you. If you are not sure about anything in your life I can assure you that your baby is one thing that will allways love you back no matter what.
It is not fair for your mother to talk to you the way she does or treat you the way she does. This can cause emotional damage to you and believe it or not your child to. The best thing to do would be to get away from your mother. I am not saying dont talk to her but like dont listen dont take it to the heart because I am sure that she doesnt mean what she says. She is just upset and confused and some people dont know how to deal with this.
You should try to get your own place where it can just be you and your child you will be surprised how mothering you will become without your mother around so much. Also its not to late for you to be a mother you can pick up and start at anytime your child is still young. schedule your time wisely where you can go out but still be a mother to your child.
I hope this helps a little bit if not please write me back. I am here because I hate to see others feel the pain that I do.
Goddess Morticia