Sometimes I just want a hug. A simple gesture that means soo much more than anyone could understand. Letting me know that "hey, its ok". I hate not being able to touch the person i love because I know he doesnt want to forgive me. Its ok I cant really forgive myself anyways.
You know those moments you get caught up in and all is right at that moment. Then you get sucked back into reality and remember things arent the same. Where not being allowed to touch someone, knowing someone is disgusted by your hugs, and giving or getting a kiss is your reality. Remembering when i used to just walk up behind him and hug him and he'd turn around and hug me back, haunts me everyday reminding me i'm a fuck up.
Can't take back what i've done. Wish i could. Even though I know i hurt him, I dont think he knows how much i hurt myself everyday. Not physically but emotionally. I used to physically hurt myself and it felt good but its not right. If i'm ever going to get better i needed to quit.
I'm getting help but the more i am improving myself the more i wish i had someone to hold me and say "you're doing great babe, I'm proud of you". I dont have that. and my struggle with self worth only heightens my longing to feel that warmth of a hug or touch or show of love.
But i appreciate the smiles and laughs. I take what i can get and feel blessed to even recieve those. the old me would say i dont deserve them, but the new me knows i do. I need love. The healthy love i know i have, just have to be patients to reach the point of forgiveness.
Sometimes i just want a hug.