Hi All.
42 year old 15 year sufferer here.
Just joined here, looking for something but don't know quite what. might be one (or indeed none) of :
1) Someone to listen to me
2) A feeling that someone cares
3) A belief that someone understands what I'm feeling
4) A source to help me see some hope for the future.
For the last 15 years, depression has been my constant companion. I've held and left a few very high pressure jobs with long hours, and 6 months ago made the decision to go into a zero stress job that paid very poorly.
It was, and in hindsight is, the right decision for my physical and mental well being. It coincided with me living with a girl who I loved very much and could see spending my whole life with. For a period of 3 months I was off anti depressants, honestly didn't need them and was actually thinking of the future.
I find it one of the many tricky parts of my illness that I live without hope and plan absolutely nothing in the future, as I have had the constant and unchallenged belief for the last 15 years that my future (If I had to have one) was inevitably going to be one of pain, hurt, sadness and worry.
But for the last 3 months I have dared to think ahead and feel that things may be alright in the future.
But then everything changed…
I found out that the office is closing next year. Frankly that didn't put me off my stride at all and if anything reinforced how resilient and buoyant I have been. The strongest ever in 15 years.
And then my relationship was ended. Suddenly, out of the blue, and inexplicably. The reason she used for finishing our relationship I find unspeakably cruel and callous – it is only a few weeks later that I find out that actually she had decided that she doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me.
It's easy to say this in hindsight (and almost certainly not true) but I think I would have coped better knowing she simply didn't want me.
However, four weeks later, I am back on anti depressants, spening virtually all my waking hours on beta blockers, not sleeping despite sleeping tablets and having well and truly boarded the last train to self destruction (WHOOOO WHOOOO – Bruce sound the horn on the train).
Copious amounts of alcohol, no exercise, risk taking behaviour that is so not me, trying to start fights with groups of youths…it really isn't the recipe for grabbing my life by teh balls and making it something good.
I'm living as the lodger with the ex, working in the same place as her, have told very few people what is going on (as I'll just start blarting if I talk about it), can't bring myself to talk to my family, and can't tell my 7 year old son as he will be terribly terribly sad to lose two people (my ex and her son) who he loves very much and thinks they love him.
I do known what I need to do…sort out a place of my own, a car, furniture, an circle of friends, a new job, and a positive mental attitude. All of teh above with no money!! Is it just me being obtuse not seeing a way through ?? Lol
I'm genuinely sorry if this reads as a total miserable whinge. That was not the intention. the intention is to write it down just so that some small part of it can get out of my head.
I will write more another day, but I am genuinely interested if what I've written has any resonance with anyone or whether I'm just being self indulgent typing this. (It's the first time I've ever done a blog anywhere on any subject so forgive me if this is rambling.
I'm happy to listen to anyone who needs a pair of ears or a sounding board. I've no idea, but I hope I may find the same on here.
Bruce
Hi Bruce,
I have just joined as well. What you have written struck a chord with me. It is writing your inner most feelings and not knowing whether or why anyone should care. And yet it is a relief to get your thought s out there. I also suffer with terrible depression. It consumes me and a feeling of helplessness and what is the point of doing anything strikes me and I spend days not achieving anything because it all seems so pointless and hopeless. Yet people looking at me would think I have a great life, living in a beautiful house is a gorgeous part of the country with very few apparent worries. But inside I feel lonely and apart. Things have happened in my life to cause all this and I try to move on but even 7 years later I am haunted by the events of my life and the smallest thing can start the awful thoughts that take me back to the horror of what happened. People think you are OK and you don't talk about things because you are accused of dragging it all up again, and when are you going to get over it. So I do know how you feel and how reaching out hope someone will be able to offer a crumb of comfort. I hope I can for you.
Piscesgirl
Hi Pisces Girl.
Thank you for your response.
It's nice to know that someone has read part of what I'm experiencing.
I'm sorry to hear what a tough time you have had, and continue to have.
I think you're right that people look at a lifestyle or a house or a job that they may see as desirable to them and assume that everything else must be okay for the person who has that lifestyle or house.
People tend not to consider anything else. And in most chases they decide not to get involved either because :
1) As soon as they do they feel they would be obligated to get involved
2) Starting to feel that a nice house or lifestyle wouldn't necessarily bring happiness would undermine what they believe in.
I also recignise the hiding it away because even when you do things well, you see failure and hurt as the only things that are going to happen down the line.
People do tend to take silence as meaning all is okay unless it's a sudden departure from the way you have acted before. In fact, I believe that silence is teh ultimate hiding place for me. Crossing roads to avoid friends and simply pretending I've not seen them is safer than having a very neutral conversation. Locking myself away, whether in an empty bedroom or a busy office is safer than the alternatives.
I really can't and don't expect others to understand how I feel. God knows I don't!! Lol
I think your phrase about reaching out for a crumb of comfort is absolutely on the button. (You express yourself in a really erudite way by the way!) I do wish I had someone who I could just cuddle up to and hold and be held by them. Someone who I had told everything to, even if they couldn't understand it other from a logical third party point of view.
It means an awaful lot that you read what I'd put and cared to contact me. Should you wish to talk more I would be delighted to repay your thoughtfulness by being a good and supportive friend.
Take care,
Bruce
Welcome Bruce,
If any, this is the very place where you pour your heart and soul out and we are here to sit with you in difficult times. This is the place of hard times. I am 56 and have had depression and anxiety since I was in my early 40’s so about the same duration as you. It’s hard to remember what joy ever felt like.
Like you, when I have someone to love, my depression goes completely away. Unfortunately I have not found a partner I wish to keep. They were great but not for a lifetime. So now I am alone with my dog, ha! When I am with friends or family, I am happy, almost ever so slightly manic (although doctors tell me no). The minute I leave them I sink low, flat into depression.
I reproach myself for anything less than perfection in my interactions with people as if I should be as perfect as a well written script. I am not allowed to be less than perfect, in my eyes. And so that is where the depression attaches itself as I sink. I know this is unreasonable yet I cannot change my mind. I try to forgive myself, have empathy. I have none for myself.
I heard an interesting line in a movie tonight. Having grown up in a dysfunctional home, a woman was observed to be depressed and anxious whenever her own family risked dysfunction or anything less than the appearance of perfection. I wondered if that might be the root of mine. My depression started when things started to fall apart. I carry guilt for any little thing I have done not to create a perfect upbringing of my children. Is it because my upbringing was non existent? I need to explore the possibility.
Anyway, vent away, reading other people’s stories feels like I have people around me who understand what I am going through as I understand them and God knows no one in my family or friends seem to understand me.
Helen