When I think about it… my life kinda makes me just want to laugh at loud. All the bullshit, disappointments, misunderstandings, the good/bad, and the strange. When I woke up and realized I was still alive, I just thought to myself, "WTF~! Are you kidding me?" The doctor told me my heart had stopped and what not and they used the defibulator. I was told my heart had stopped roughly for half a minute and that my BP I think was double of the normal rate. I somehow cheated death, so I ended up laughing about it to myself later that night. When they admitted me to the mental hospital, I think that’s when I really found out who really knew me and cared. My family changed and my school counselor had often visited me over the month. My friends were oblivious to what had happened and the church I had attended abandoned me. I knew some things were just lies I had wanted to believe in so much and at times, I find myself still falling for that same mistake. Trynig to care too much or whatever. It’s sad the way things have to be. I forced myself to laugh over these last 8 years. I suppose it sounds genuine but to me it just feels so damn fake. This life I’ve lived shouldn’t be, Why am I still alive? There are those around me so much more deserving but aren’t given the chance, yet I have to option to live but I cannot. I can’t help but just laugh at this life I live. However pathetic I think I am, I want to believe I’m who I am for a reason. I remember clearly one thing that the psychiatrist at that hospital actually made me question: If my depression is caused by a chemical imbalance as she suggests, then does that mean my times of joy and saddness were a lie because I was just overwhelmed due to a chemical deficiency? I hate to think that the latter answer to this question about my life would make most of my life a lie. Like I said, makes you kinda just laugh at it all.