The other day I got my results back from the cardiologist. These left me frustrated as there really was no answer just more questions which I asked, in a round a bout way the doc answered but even though it made sense I was not positive about the result. So as I have mentioned several times on here about my thoughts of ending my life I told the cardiologist this and how I feel because of a) my depression and b) my health status.  She suggested if I am no better in 4 weeks time maybe my GP could refer me to a psych. I rang my GP and cannot get in for at least 6 weeks as they all are fully booked,( too bad if you get sick). Which still leaves me feeling this way alone. So I rang my old church and spoke to the Lieutenant there. They do not come to my town except for collecting on Red Shield day once per year. No help there. I am still looking at the phone thinking of lifeline but do not have the guts to actually ring them. I have done three times in the past and the last time has given me pause because the person I spoke to did not understand what I was going through at the time and was really short with me I felt like I was wasting their time. I thought that by going back to my old church I could maybe see a glimpse of how my life used to be before, I was going on Sunday no matter what. I set the alarm and turned it off in the morning then layed there making excuses until I was too late. I dont know if it was fear or what. I was feeling unwell but that is just another excuse. For me to get better I know things have to change and that I am the one to change them but I dont feel I have the strength or willpower or energy to actually get up and start the journey. Until this cloud that drags me down lifts a bit then I dont know how to begin.