This is a vent, if you don’t want to read self pitying bullshit, please don’t read any further.

So I’m stupid. I don’t understand why I can’t make things happen for myself. I have a busy schedule I know this, I can’t do things other people do, I get that. I can’t go out and party with classmates, I don’t have money to go out to bars and drink with people. These are all excuses as to why I don’t have anyone to depend on. I could do it.

I hate the fact that I have to substitute actual human relations with stupid, pointless, embarrassing activities. I have a real talent for playing bluegrass and old time banjo. I hate myself for doing it. If I had friends out here I wouldn’t be messing around with any of it. I have very dexterous hands; I can fix whatever needs fixing. When things aren’t broken I have a penchant for sleight of hand. I hate myself for wasting time working on pointless patter and misdirection. I could be so much more.

My family humors me by asking questions about my mundane life. I feel sorry that they have to listen to my lackluster responses.

The bottom line is, some people see value in me—a lot of people actually, but I hate myself. I suppose I have real self esteem issues. Maybe I have serious issues that call for professional help. I dunno, I’m trashed. If you’ve read this far I’m really sorry that I’ve wasted your time.