i should be on anxiety tribe now but i havnt's started it. i'v got this constant anxiety that isn't going away, even when i'm trying to sleep. the only time i don't have it is when i'm lying in till about 3pm and depressed, but then it starts as soon as i get up. the depressions getting like a relif for the anxiety and vice versa. it makes my heart beat too fast all the time and i'm too nervous to concentrate on what people are saying, i'm just terrified of them looking at me. i can't relax even around those i should be able to be calmest around and i feel pulses and twitches in random places becasue of my heart beating too fast and the nervousness. i'v got a headache now because of it- well it feels like the same thing anyway.

i don't know what i need to say to express it and calm myself down. gonna try go to sleep anyway, night ppl

i'v got so many other things to say but my memory is so bad if forgotton them all but one of them is that i'm really numb, physically and mentally. i'v felt this massive physical numbness for years but the mental side of it is getting worse because i think i'm starting to get to that point, like a mid life crisis, where im realising i havn't done anything with my life and that's it.. it's gone, i'm never going to get it back again even though i'm not old yet i still have the life experience of a ten year old and nothing more,i'v missed everything i should have done, and this is all i'm thinking constantly, "why arn't i doing anything, i need to do stuff" but i can't and now it's like what's the point in going through with the tortore of sitting here with dreams and not being able to doany of it my whole life, the torture of hope, thinking that if i try, eventually i will be able to do it but i never can and i will end up slowley watching my life and dreams die. it's like a disabillity, well it is

thanks for reading