Well, I’m still here…for what it’s worth.  I am very tired.  I had trouble sleeping last night.  Now, it looks like the man I have been dating for almost a year is losing interest in me.  He is pretty emotionally unavailable, but I love him.  I do not, however, wish to coerce him into being with me if he doesn’t want to be.  He was sick over the weekend, so I didn’t see him Friday night (one of our two nights that we see each other).  He left a message late Friday afternoon.  I called him back…no answer.  I called again Saturday, no answer.  On Sunday I waited all day for him to call, but he didn’t.  I finally called him around 8:00, because I was getting concerned that something had happened to him.  He was fine.  We were together last night, but he was a little distant.  I feel like I am reaching my expiration date with him.  He has never been married or cohabited with a woman and is a self-professed serial dater.  I knew this when I started dating him, but he was so wonderful to be with and so different from the other men I’ve been involved with that I told myself that it was better to be a small part of his life than nothing at all.  Now it looks like that is fading out too.  I know he is probably too good for me.  He is successful and financially secure and that is not the type of man who usually takes any interest in me. 

This is not, by a long shot, the only thing wrong with my life.  My son thinks I’m getting Alzheimers, because I space out and forget things…alot.   I can’t seem to earn enough money to pay the bills.  I’m disorganized and have had such a long history of submerging my feelings that I frequently deny what I’m feeling other than an overwhelming sense of sadness.  I cannot see any light whatsoever at the end of the proverbial tunnel and I’m tired of looking for it.  I pray to God daily that He gives me a fatal illness, preferably something quick and not too painful.  I haven’t been able to end it, because a part of me is still afraid to die, but I’m also afraid of living.  I just wish there was someplace I could go where I didn’t have to worry about things….