I'll put up with a lot from people, esp. my friends, those few I have, but I'm not going to let someone treat me like dirt and sit back and act like it's okay. At least I'm trying not to. I have this "friend", not sure I'd really call her that anymore, who has been really going through a lot, a lot of her problems are her own doing, but I've tried to be there for her. However, lately it's been just too much. About a week or so ago, she took off in my car for hours, and I finally ended up calling the cops because she never responded to my texts or phone calls. Herresponse was that she'd fallen asleep and her cell phone died so shehadn't gotten my texts orcalls. Yeah, right. Then howcome she managed to show up back at my house justat the deadlineI'd set for calling the cops. I remember that day, I coudln't believe that was happening. I couldn't believe she was doing taht, but I'd seen the way she's trreated other people, her family from whom she's stolen money, etc. I know what she's like, and knew she wasn' the best person but I thought well, I'll be a friend, maybe she needs to know what a good friend is really like.Now I know I've been an idiot.I thought we'd worked things out last week, I've tried to let her know I'm there for her and won't run out on her when things get bad. But there's a limit. It seems like it's all take and very little give. She got drug addiction issues and won't admit them, she's also got some psychological problems, and insists that that's what's wrong with her, not the drug problem. I know she's in denial, it's so clear. When she took my car, that should have been enough, I should have realized this woman's friendship isn't friendship. I got a lot of excuses from her and apologys, but you know I figure a good friend wouldn't do something like that, steal your car, esp. when you make clear to them you're not happy about them using it in the first place, a friend just doesn't do stuff like that. They'd respect you and your needs. So why don't I get this and just stop any further contact with her? Oh, she claims she's my friend. AFter she took the car she called me and toldme how sorry she was that friends didn'tdo such a thing to one another, etc. on and one, but I feltlike I was just hearing excuses.
I just emailed her about how I felt about things. Earlier this week when I let her know I was depressed about the sale on my house falling through her response was a text,"I'm so sorry, honey." that's all, nothing else. No follow up call, nothing. Then when she called 2 days later saying "I know you're depressed, but you can make some money…" and then proceeded to go on about how some friends of her's wanted an appt. with me and I was just supposed to drop everything to accomodate them because she wanted me to. THis person claims that she is my friend, she'll swear up and down on it. I'll bet when she gets the email she'll call and leave a mess., I'm not going to talk to her, I'm tired of getting excuses. That sort of behavior gets old after a while. My big problem is why do I let people like this into my life in the first place? Why don't I get it? I can't help but think how I would want to be treated, and how I treat people, clearly she's not capable of honest friendship. I just don't get why I'm so upset by this. I guess teh question is why am I upset with myself for putting up with her behavior? I don't understand myself.
I really felt like I'd been slapped in the face.I think
I know how you feel. A friend of mine did something similar when she was going through a crisis phase in her life. My unwillingness to let her go almost ended my marriage (she had an affair with my husband while we were separated), destroyed my life, and had no excuses for what she had done. The sad thing is I understood what happened, and while that didn't make it okay, I eventually came to terms with it. Much of the catalyst for that affair was because of my own issues.
Anyhow, I left the friendship. I needed to protect myself and what I loved from further destruction. I think as people who feel broken ourselves, our biggest hope is to fix someone else's problems because deep down, it proves that we can fix our own. But sadly, it doesn't work like that. It just sucks us dry of any reserves we had of strength to deal with our own problems.
Maybe there will come a time, like it did with me, where the friendship is possible when she's not so self-destructive and in denial. Right now you should stay away from her and let her deal with her problems. All she seems to be doing is dragging you down with her by using your friendship as an excuse to be self-indulgent and refusing to acknowledge her issues. It can be sad because when this happens often these people have to hit rock bottom before they see the light. And it's a long climb up to being a healthy person.
I'm sorry you've been so disrespected and feel so used. But I'm happy for you that you made the decision to make your feelings known. She needs to realize that her behavior is affecting those around her.
I hope that your anger subsides as time passes~ hopefully someday she'll truly understand and have remorse for what she's done. Until then, focus on taking care of you and avoiding the drama she creates.
Best wishes.
Sadviolinist,
You're comments really came right to the heart of the matter. Before I read your post I was still waffling back and forth thinking I should feel sorry for her, etc., but you made so much sense. You can't help someone who won't help themselves, and this person does not want to do that. She wants everyone else to feel sorry for her and give her a free ride. You pointed out that one of our biggest problems is that when we feel broken ourselves and try to fix someone else because we hope we can fix our own problems This rings so true. I realize this. I myself have a serious problem otherwise I doubt I would allow this person into my life. I've been through much healthier periods in my life and know that in the past I wouldn't have given so much of my time to her, because I would know it wouldn't help. But I've been lonely, etc., I also thought that because I'd been through some of what she's going through I could help her becuase I've been there and understand it, but that's such flawed thinking. OMG it's so flawed. We each have to be responsible for ourselves and our own happiness. Thank you, so much for you wise comments. They have really opened my eyes.