Okay, so I am feeling very uncomfortable right now. I just shared a very personal story on another post. My anxiety just shot through the roof! However, I really felt the need to share. I can't believe it, but I feel like I should share it with all of you as well.
For those of you who don't know, I suffer from anxiety and depression on a daily basis. I have dealt with it for as long as I can remember. It is not fun!
The last few years have been extremely difficult for me as I have gone through many physical and financial trials. A little over a year ago, I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore. Things seemed to be going down hill way too fast.
One thing after another seemed to be going wrong and I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was on anti-depressants and other meds. I started taking a few every couple of hours over the course of a weekend. By Sunday afternoon I just wanted it all to be over.
I went for a drive out to the desert so I could be alone. However, as I started to feel the effects more and more I started to get scared. I was mostly scared because I knew my friends and family would be disappointed and upset. More than that I knew my Heavenly Father would be disappointed. I started to feel more afraid to die than to live.
I had good cell reception, so I called the sheriff's department. They sent a few officers and an ambulance to find me. By that time, I knew I wouldn't be able to get back home by myself.
I don't really remember much after I hung up. I vaguely remember someone coming and someone checking me out. The next thing I remember was being in the ER and talking to one of my counselors. I felt worse because I felt like he was really disappointed. I spent the night and most of the next day in the ICU.
I had a lot of mixed emotions over the next several hours. In some ways I was mad at myself for not succeeding and felt like it was just one more thing I couldn't get right. On the other hand, I was upset because I just knew that everyone would be upset.
It was determined, without my knowledge at first, that I could not be alone for the next little while. I went home with my sister and then my parents came the following weekend to move me to Nevada with them.
I continue to struggle even now having days where I feel like I just don't want to deal with things anymore. However, I am grateful for my family and others who have shown their love and support. I want to especially thank Jonathon, Maureen, Debbie, and Melanie. I also have to thank my mom and dad. But most important I thank my Heavenly Father for the gospel in my life.
I'm not sure why I feel such a strong need to share. I am nervous about what people might think. However, I hope that by sharing maybe I can help someone else who may be struggling more than me.
Thank you everybody for all you do for me. I especially am grateful for your love and friendship.
Jen