I'm on the bus going to my boyfriends, the bus journey takes an hour really, 2 buses, each takes half hour, its a drag really.. But I don't feel like myself. Me and my boyfriend have this thing, he'll ask me if I fEel like myself, or 'fredrick'. Lol, fredricks just someone we made up for when I feel like a total different person. At the moment, I fEel half fredrick, half I don't know. Its so confusing not feeling like yourself. I haven't been to school today, I guess sleep and worries got the best of me! Yesterday though I went in, did my english exam which I thought went ok, I was feeling ok, then I just went kinda mental, flipped out at a teacheR, crying and screaming at him begging to go home, I was going to have a panic attack etc. I haven't done that in a looong time, I thought I'd stopped mtself from doing that, but obviously not! It kinda shocked me, as I'm close to this certain teacher, he's helped me a lot, he's helped me not get completely kicked out! But not attending school and reacting like that could lead to the shitty attendance officer getting involved, which could lead to a fine. So I guess monday I'm gonna drag my ass in and just be there. But the thing is, people just don't really understand mental illness. (No offence whatsoever to anyone suffering or know anyone that's suffered from cancer because my step mum has) but it feels like if someone saw someone who had cancer for eg, or a broke leg, they'd feel so much sympathy, be like oh you can go home, don't worry about coming to school, its fine. But as it comes to mental illness, noone seems to understand. Like me, you could be feeling like you're literally dying inside, clawing at your black heart to feel something, scars up your arm, and because they can't see it, they think not much is wrong, so you're encouraged to stay in school, and get up out of bed each morning. What if you can't? What if you honestly feel like you're dying, crying into your palms? I don't know really how to cope anymore, tired of being a fighter.