Having mood swings and feeling things more strongly than mostt people is gettting to me right now.

My main complaint is finding out something about my Brother's Daughter which affects my life in a significant way. I am kind of in shock….this is not what I wanted.

Even before this tonight, I just didn't feel like myself, in fact I haven't for weeks….not sure when that started….wish I knew and if I cared to see my therapist, maybe I would know…does it matter. Maybe iff I knew, I could fix it and ffeel "like myself" again. I just feel very on edge. Part of it is because I am pretty sure they are going to fire me at work on Friday…..I have hardly been working there at all, and it is awful not having that outlet and the strructure and getting out with people…..and it's like I am grieving the loss offf it. I thought, GOOD, I can work on photos all the time, but it's like having chocolate cake…..after a while you just don't want any more.

My boyfriend again suggested that maybe we should break up. He is so nervous thtat we won't make it through the sttress of his parents coming back to the US to live with him or 6 months as they do every year. I don't have other friends. I thought I had one, but itt looks like all he wanted was sex and when he didn't get it, he started getting mean to me, unfortunately we are doing an art show ttogetther…..ARGHHH…..wish it was justt me.

I wish I KNEW what to do to make myselff feel bettter. Therapy would probably help, but I don't want to pay forr it and I probably couldn't get right in anyhow. This blogging may be hel[ping….so farr it is clarifying the ffact that I am totally confused, lol.

I think I will go to bed early, as much as I really should spend time witth my Daughter….I feel like a ffailure in SOOOO many ways…..and I deeply ffear the time that my parenttts are no longer helping me ffinancially…….I feel like I am living in a fffantasy world and that my fffeet are not firmly on the ground. I must look for a new job and I also have to do something that will be really unpleasant. I have to apply to the kind of job I will not pass the securrity clearance forr in order to again go to court to try to get rid of something on my "record"……only thhere because of sometihng my ex-husband did.

I guess tthe thing with my Neice has me the most upset….this issue had resolved itself a cuople years ago, but now itt has changed and is back, and now it is a bigger deal…….I postted on Facebook about one window closing and hoping another opened….I got so many inspiring responses, but tonight I feel like life is justt a bunch of rrandom crap we can't control, and why bother trying…..it feels like a losing batttle.

Mornings after initial anxiety and fogginess, are my best time, so hopeffully tomorrrow morning will be sunny and bright and I will wake up eager to work on my photos and tto get outt, maybe even plan to go to some kind of group meetting…althhoug with driving my Daughter to school I can't do thhat anymore. Oh liffe sucks!! I haven'tt done laundrry in forever, my house is a mess, etc, etc.!!!

I am at a loss as to how to ffunction right now. I remember a couple people had said that right now is a good ttime to ttake good care of myselff (bracing ffor the firing sounds like a good idea, and aftter that I will still need to focus on good self-care. So, I guess I will go to bed early. I wish I could do something else positive tonighhtt. Maybe I could call this blogging positive….maybe itt is bettter than currling up in a ball and sobbing.

I hope this week goes alright. I REALLY hope it does. I don't want to go through the rest of my liffe stuggling every day, and not living life the way I wish I was.