So it has been a while since I wrote here. I have been both occupied and not busy. I am busy with meaningless things for the most part. What to update on first? My birthday? It was fine. I ended up staying with my family and my boyfriend found a way to cancel the archery activity in order to accommodate my wishes. I swear, that boy never ceases to amaze me. If you find my old account, you would read about previous shitty guys that I dated and have known. My current boyfriend, Gordon, is beyond all my wishes and dreams. It's honestly kind of frightening at how amazing he is. Almost too good to be true, you know?
Continuing on, I've been thinking a bit about this guy Cameron. He was my first ever true love. Only it was mostly one sided. I loved him very much and offered almost the entirety of myself to him, but the thing about him was….he didn't want me. Not enough. It's kinda worse than straight out rejection to me. He knew my feelings and didn't do much about them, except for use them, to fill the gauge of his loneliness, to fulfill a place of affection. He didn't love me. His exact words were, "I don't love you. I love the affection, the care that you give me."
Now, I'm not complaining exactly. I knew he wasn't going to claim me in a relationship and still loved him anyway. To this day, although my heart was deeply hurt, I don't harbor any kind of hate towards him. There will strangely always be a love for him no matter what. We still barely talk today. He knows I'm dating someone. During the last moments or so that I had come to realize that I needed to let my love for him go, I said to myself, that boy is going to realize he took me for granted, he will want me one day and it will be too late. I don't mean to say that in a overconfident, conceited way, I just knew it in my gut. And I kid you not, almost a week into him finding out that I was dating someone (through his Facebook stalking) did he seriously say those words to me. He explained to me that he was just afraid and scared because no one had cared for him like I did and that he shouldn't have taken me and my affections for granted. He said he should have tried harder, if not actually tried to be with me, to follow through with my attempts to see him, just to talk even. I used to live within a walking distance of him and then moved a few cities away, but I would go drive out to see him secretly just to see him for not even thirty minutes. And I didn't even get a hug out of it!
I feel like I'm losing the point here. It hurt me more to know that he didn't want me enough to make me his. And after I had settled on giving up being with him, I found myself. I grew a confidence I never knew I could have. I was still single at the time. I was happiest with myself in this time period. Then I felt I was ready to try and see someone and actually date someone who wanted to be with me. Then I met Gordon. I met him on a dating site for geeks. I knew the online dating thing was somewhat risky business, but I had to try. I had met two others before Gordon and they each lasted one date. Gordon not only got a second date, he got a whole weekend in which we attended a convention together and things went down. We just clicked. I was comfortable with him very quickly and it may seem naive of me, but it wasn't strange to me. I felt that I could fully be myself with him and to this day I still do.
Guys, he was my third date and he just may be my last. Over the course of us dating, we've grown to love each other in such a wholesome way. We each fully opened ourselves to each other and remain so today. It wasn't until maybe a month or two ago that he told me that he wanted to marry me, that he was so damn sure that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I said the same.
And this is where Cameron came into mind. I wondered about him a lot. We had a big discussion about my relationship status and he said that he was considering waiting for me, that he had made a big mistake and had wanted to actually try and be with me. So I wonder, what would that be like? Would I really give up a beautiful love with Gordon to just give it a go with my first love? I hate that I even ask myself, but I know the answer. I found it as I thought about Cameron. I realized that I only ever thought about him in passing and never when I was with Gordon. When I'm with Gordon, I'm entranced with him and never does Cameron cross my mind. Now, whenever I hear Gordon simply talk about his everyday activities, I adore watching him speak and just can't help but smile because I had found someone so wonderful after all of my strife.
I have honestly never been super religious, although I was raised to be, but truly, I believe that Gordon is a true blessing and gift. So I might actually be a married woman in the not too distant future. And despite being honestly a little disappointed that I never got a shot with Cameron, I don't regret not having it. And I wouldn't give Gordon up for the world.
Now, I hate to have bored you with a bunch of paragraphs about guys. I had meant to write about more than just them. If you have gotten this far, bless your heart.
Recently, I have been occupied and it’s sort of up and down for me. I have yet to find a doctor suited to my needs and am still honestly thinking about it. I'm trying to tough it out on my own, as hard as that may be. Seriously, for those of you that tough out depression and anxiety, any suffering, you carry such great strength, because it is truly a constant battle.
For the most part, I'm not thinking negatively as much, but it seems I can't get too upset. I have to avoid certain things now. Or I'm pretty darn sensitive in certain things. I could nearly cry just by thinking about a particular thing. My parents have always been an emotional trigger for me, especially my mom. I cannot fight with my mom. I will fall apart in all but three seconds. Recently, my mother hasn't been the issue. It's my dad. I would say I have the closest relationship with my dad than any of my siblings. He's a hard man to work with sometimes.
It was the other night when I began to disagree and argue with him. For this past week, I have been dealing with an aggravating medical issue and he tried to downplay it and whatnot and tell me to not think about it, even though I have been losing large amounts of sleep and comfort from it. I was simply defending myself and mentioned that it was bad enough that I was insomniac. Then he went into the mind over matter business and I absolutely hate that phrase. I first got upset with that and I started shaking my leg, because I have to work hard to keep my mind from going into a very dark and negative place where its only self-destructing. If I get too upset, there's a very good chance that I will have a panic attack and I usually do. But when he saw my leg shake, he took it as me disrespecting him and not giving a shit about what he had to say and he kinda blew up at me. I told him that I was trying not to get upset, but then left the room.
As soon as I entered my room and shut the door, I burst into tears and gritted my teeth as sometimes my emotions transform into this strange rage where I want to throw or break something. Instead of touching breakable objects, I resorted to punching myself in the thigh. Now, I know this is a very bad habit and not good for me at all, but I can't help it. It is my version of screaming into a pillow. I have not bruised from it either. But it continued into me having a panic attack and crying for a while. When I get like this, I have to crawl into a small space or a closed off space. I don't know why, but it’s comforting. I know this is so weird for someone my age, but I usually get into the closet. This is the moment though, where my depression takes over. Every single negative thought rushes into me at this moment. I had felt rejection from my father for many things, felt alone in my sorrows, felt abandoned in a house full of people who didn't care about me. It was as though my depression seized this opportunity to overcome me in all things since it has very limited access nowadays. It is in moments like these that depression has a hold on me. This is why I try to avoid being upset at all costs. My mom came to comfort me though, after a while. She held me and explained to me that she was upset at my dad as well and that he was such a hard man to be with, that she just wanted me to be happy and told me that she just wanted me to run and love fully. I've told my mom about Gordon and I's plans to get married within a year or so. Soon yes, but we're dead serious about doing it. She jokingly would say that we should just get married in court have a wedding later, but I knew she kinda meant it. My dad knows too, but he's less accepting and open to it.
I feel like I've said enough in this post. All in all, I've been thinking a lot and have been in the middle of highlights and some sucky moments. If you seriously read all of this, thank you dearly. I really appreciate it.