So today allowed me to realize just how much control depression has over my life. I tried to be as positive as I could. I was fearful of the big meal. My eating disorder has had me dreading this meal. I was fearful, but still went out and spent time with family and ate. I ate small portions, but there was plenty of guilt. I had several breakdowns where I sat in the bathroom screaming and crying, covering my mouth so no one heard the scream. I wiped my tears, put a smile on my face, and walked out the bathroom. The guys were watching the game. I'm not really in to sports. My aunts and cousins were in the other room. I could hear their laughter all the way in the room where I was with my uncle, dad, and cousins. I was asked to join the ladies, but I declined that offer. I loved hearing the laughter, but had no desire to be in that room. I instantly wanted to be alone. I wanted to go home. The tears began to well up again. I held everything in the best I could. Once I made it to the car, the tears flowed like a waterfall for my entire drive home. I'm currently lying on the couch reflecting on the day. Yes, there were victories. I ate, I left the house, I didn't hurt myself. But the battle was nonstop in my brain causing me to not truly enjoy my time with family. This is another holiday gathering where depression won. Another gathering where everyone leaves with smiles, but I left with tears. Depression and this eating disorder have a fabulous way of making me feel like a complete failure. No matter how hard I try, I lose.