As time flows, I really start to love the adventure I am deep into with this OCD knowledge I gathered (even though sometimes I wish I never had this and remained an ignorant happy person ;P). It’s a really interesting trip and it’s quite more recently. Since my youth (among with my OCD) I had a silly unrealistic perfection about analyzing everything and discovering deeper truths on various issues on humans, society and myself. And as long as I learn more it gets more and more fascinating!

And yet again finally, after 15 years of constant doubt that lead to nihilism I feel like I’ve solved the puzzle of myself. Now it all makes sense, even more than when I’ve first discovered about my OCD. And it’s more interesting than ever because everything blends so well with my constant philosophical arguments about society, “normal”, people that differ and actually myself. Well,. the source of my quest for the so called “truth” was my personal struggle in life. It all begins there. Going further into analyzing everything that connects to that..

And the magic word here is autism (Or a mild condition of it called Aspereger’s Syndrome). Now, I feel that the knowledge of my OCD completed only 30% of the puzzle of me (That means, understanding who I really am!). It all really makes a sense now with the new discovery which actually is not really a disorder. So many things can be said about that even more interesting part and even though I don’t have much space or time, so I’ll be sort. Atm, I’d like to say that OCD seems to have some connection with autism as I’ve read around in various places and I’ve also been suspecting it but avoided to look at it till only recently. And there is a whole new world for me to learn about by reading the vast majority of net content on the subject.

So,. I was suspecting it and thought that maybe it’s a more complete explanation about my Social Anxiety and quite more stuff. An autistic girl told me in email (it was pure coincidence to talk with her that day) that several people in her autistic community also suffer from OCD, so there might be a slight connection (which I also read somewhere before on wikipedia about OCD). It’s observed in various sufferers. Later, I decided to talk about some strange traits with a friend who is an autistic and stop doubting about it. Now I am really into it and I am not going back..

Don’t think about autism as something you have seen on TV. Those “retarded” (excuse me for the expression) cases is a rare percentage. There are people who are just like you and me, unseen, invisible, nobody would think they fit into that!

A very brief explanation: “well, us autistics don’t naturally learn social skills. We might have to learn them manually and that is what defines us as autistic.”

And I return back to my past to remember my childhood. To find random fragments which really indicates some of the elements there..

Actually, two very characteristic social impairments of autistic that I have is problem with face recognition or eye contact.

When I meet some new people, except if they have some special characteristic in their face/hair/etc, it’s hard to instantly remember and recognize them later by their face. I may meet them the next days and they’ll wonder: “Don’t you remember me? We’ve just met yesterday!”. I really have that thing and I get anxious about meeting someone again that I haven’t known much and not being sure if it’s that guy there. That’s purely biological, the non-autistic people will recognize and learn faces instantly (by instinct)! And with eye contact I get anxious looking at someone’s eyes too, don’t know how much or how few I must look. It hasn’t come naturally as it should with other people.

Those are some of the most characteristic elements (there are several other) that indicate that autism is most probably not some psychological condition where the sufferer didn’t develop social skills because of “choosing” to be asocial but it’s all in the brain. I have found way more, like the way I am defocused from the enviroment around me at times (purely in my world), the general struggle and confusion in social situations (non physical), even that I talk to myself or the fact that autistics usually have a hobby they are focused into and forget the rest of the world (as I do to). Some people name autism as the geek syndrome. It truly fits in!

All these and more finally explains that I wasn’t into the “wrong road” and being more asocial, weird and focus into one thing was always my true self (and even with genetic roots, a unique brain that works in a different way that neurotypicals but can’t compute social ;P). And there was never a problem with me! It was society who thought that and made me think it too. And doubt. Most autistics believe that their problem is actually no “problem”. They just own a different brain that gives them a unique way of thinking but steals their social skills. Unlike the way some media try to present autism.

So, what I am was never a problem! It was never a bad attitude or a “wrong” way of life!

I was deceived for 15 years! Struggling to try to excuse myself for not being “normal”. Ugh!!! 😛

I was angry that night I understood..

p.s. I’ll be back with more soon. Everything is connected! Finally I know..