I posted before I was having physical OCD issues. Well the recent thign bugging me is that I was on a train on my way home from work. I was standing up near the doors and I was facing the aisle since the seats were full. There was also a guy behind me. As people passed in front of me to get off to the train I realized people would hit my bag so I pulled it back to avoid them brushing against it so I would not obsess about it.
As I did that I then began to just pull it to my side entirely (it was a shoulder laptop bag) – but either before i pulled it aside or as i pulled it aside the thought occurred to me "careful, there's a guy behind you, it might hit his crotch with your bag at this level" and as I pulled it back it occurred to me again and as i jerked the bag back i suddenly put a little more force into it at the end as if to purposely make sure I hit the guy.
I've replayed it a thousand times and I can't fathom why I did it. Even worse is that it turns out it was a highschool kid, had to be 16 or 17 (I am 28). While I'm not attracted to men or minors, I freaked out even worse.
Regardless, I am upset because i cannot fathom why I suddenly, purposely, did this thing I had a great anxiety about and wanted to avoid.
I'm trying so hard to believe that I didn't suddenly go "Okay, do this because it would turn you on to do this thing you know you shouldn't do" but then I can't figure out why I DID that thing suddenly. Someone suggested it's me checkign my OCD but it is not :/