I posted before I was having physical OCD issues. Well the recent thign bugging me is that I was on a train on my way home from work. I was standing up near the doors and I was facing the aisle since the seats were full. There was also a guy behind me. As people passed in front of me to get off to the train I realized people would hit my bag so I pulled it back to avoid them brushing against it so I would not obsess about it.

As I did that I then began to just pull it to my side entirely (it was a shoulder laptop bag) – but either before i pulled it aside or as i pulled it aside the thought occurred to me "careful, there's a guy behind you, it might hit his crotch with your bag at this level" and as I pulled it back it occurred to me again and as i jerked the bag back i suddenly put a little more force into it at the end as if to purposely make sure I hit the guy.

I've replayed it a thousand times and I can't fathom why I did it. Even worse is that it turns out it was a highschool kid, had to be 16 or 17 (I am 28). While I'm not attracted to men or minors, I freaked out even worse.

Regardless, I am upset because i cannot fathom why I suddenly, purposely, did this thing I had a great anxiety about and wanted to avoid.

I'm trying so hard to believe that I didn't suddenly go "Okay, do this because it would turn you on to do this thing you know you shouldn't do" but then I can't figure out why I DID that thing suddenly. Someone suggested it's me checkign my OCD but it is not :/

1 Comment
  1. telknit23 7 years ago

    I’ve also noticed that sometimes when I’m thinking the hardest about not doing something is when I do it….not sure what that’s about, but I don’t think it means I really wanted to.  I think it’s just some kind of brain weirdness (like trying not to think of a white elephant).  Sometimes I think it’s a small, temporary rebellion, because it can be frustrating trying so hard to do things perfectly.  (In which case I did “want to” do it, but only for the sake of breaking the rules, not because it appealed to me in some way, if this makes sense.)[br][br] Either way, I suspect it’s a more normal occurrence than you think, and it’s your OCD making you worry about it.  Imagine, instead, that you were trying not to spill a drink on somebody, and you made a jerky movement at the end, causing you to spill it.  You would probably still question why you did it, and feel bad about it, but would you be wondering if you really “wanted to” do it?

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