2/9/07.

I have started exposure therapy. I’m in the early stages of it, but already I have taken some small steps, which have helped me think more positively about my situation. I want to overcome my shyness.

*update, 2/16/07

i’m gradually getting more into exposure therapy to overcome my shyness.

2/10/07- i went into a walmart (supercenter). experienced some anxiety before leaving the house, but calmed down before we left the house. my experience at walmart wasn’t bad. a kind woman in the electronics section talked to us about cell phones. i made eye contact, and even asked her about which cell phone would be best for me. i bought a $40 prepaid cell phone, and we left the store. (no anxiety or panic attacks)… i felt a great sense of accomplishment from this shopping experience.

2/15/07, went into a different walmart (not a supercenter, so it’s a smaller store). experienced much anxiety, from entering the store, while i was in the store, and when leaving the store. i had an anxiety attack near the electronics section. had to stop, and look at a dvd rack until i calmed down. felt like everyone was staring at me, which caused the anxiety attack. on more than one occasion, i felt like everyone was staring at me. after the experience, i felt a great sense of accomplishment. i didn’t go there to shop. i went there, just to be there, around people… to see how much my anxiety would bother me.

2/17/07, had a good experience yesterday. i went into the supercenter walmart again. no anxiety or panic attacks. i was a little nervous walking in and out of the store (because those areas are usually crowded)… but overall, a good experience. experienced no anxiety while inside the store. walked around in there for about 30 minutes, looked at stuff, and it was nice being around people and not feeling like they were staring at me. the other walmart (that i went into on thursday) is smaller… it seems i have an issue with being in smaller places that are more crowded. i want to work on that, and try hard to get more comfortable being in smaller places too. i want to eventually work on going into smaller places like dunkin donuts, to order my own stuff. gonna keep on trying hard here.

2/20/07, my depression is annoying me today. i’ve been on such a roll. those can relate know that depression can just hit out of nowhere, even in happy times. why? i don’t know… i shouldn’t let it get me down. i have some upcoming social situations that i’m planning on putting myself in. i’m not scared, nervous? yes i am, but not scared. dwelling on negative thoughts is my downfall… i need to flood out the negative thoughts with positive thoughts, which helps me. i’m trying to do that right now, i’m trying to think more positive. i did a good workout earlier today, which helps me think about things. i listen to some music, and ride my exercise bike. currently my ocd isn’t much of a factor in my life like it has been in the past. sometimes certain situations can flare up my ocd. thankfully though, with my ocd not bothering me, i can focus on blocking depression and overcoming my shyness. i have been talking on the phone with some friends. i have found it to be a great blessing, to have friends to talk too on the phone, and also, the support i’ve recieved from online friends, is a great blessing also. i don’t feel like i’m alone. the support has been so incredible, the turnaround i’ve made within about the past 4 weeks, is fully credited to those who have supported me, even in my darkest of days. thankful i truly am.

3 more steps for me coming up. 1 trip to a gas station/conveinence store and 2 trips to walmart. will keep you all updated. i hope everyone has a great week.

UPDATE. Just got back from a spontaneous walmart shopping trip. my friend called me and she cheered me up. everyone was going to walmart (the one i had an anxiety attack in last thursday)… so i figured, i should just tag along and see how it goes. i went, and it was good. i walked around for about 20 minutes in the store. once we got to walking around, i felt more comfortable. i tried very hard to not look down, and i looked at stuff. some slight anxiety walking into the store and out of the store. overall, it went well. no anxiety or panic attacks. day went from bad to good. in one day, i got hit with depression, then i was cheered up by a friend, and a quick trip to the local walmart.

i’m going to push my luck, and go in the gas station/conveinence store this evening with my mom and sister.

-went to the gas station/conveinence store with my mom and sister. it wasn’t crowded (no anxiety)

today turned out pretty well. got some more confidence.

2/22/07, was feeling depressed earlier in the day. around 2pm, we left the house. My mom, 2 sisters, 2 nieces, and i went to the bank first. then, we went to walmart. it was crowded (but not very crowded, but crowded enough)

i walked in with my sister and niece, while my mom, other sister and other niece walked in together.

my sister and niece looked at some clothes, and i was just tagging along with them. we walked around the store, some times i just felt like i was being watched, and i tried hard to think that no one was watching me. i looked at some stuff, and the anxiety wasn’t unbearable, i admit, i experienced some anxiety.

we went to the electronics area and looked at some dvds.

we then went to check out. oh my… i was nervous. we found a check out with only one person in line, so we went to that check out. there seemed to be a price problem, and we ended up waiting in line for about 10 minutes. i recieved a text message from a friend while i was in line. it was nice of her to send me a thoughtful text message.

we then left the store. i felt good, knowing that i went into the store, didn’t have an anxiety or panic attack. after walmart, we all went to dunkin donuts and i got a decaf blueberry iced coffee and a Boston creme donut.

i did it, i went into walmart again, and even though i experienced some anxiety, i was in that store, i walked around, i even waited in the check out line. it was stressful, today at walmart, but i feel good knowing i went in, and didn’t have any anxiety or panic attacks. i look forward to the next visit to the store.

2/23/07. i went to two stores today. my mom, sister, niece, and i went into the Big Y supermarket today, no anxiety walking in, no anxiety while in the store, and no anxiety walking out of the store. i’m surprised, because it was my first trip into that store, in a very long time. the store wasn’t crowded. we were in there for about 15 minutes.

we then went into walmart. it was easy walking in there too! i couldn’t believe it. we weren’t in walmart very long, about 10 minutes. no anxiety at all. i’m surprised. i told my mom, that i’m getting used to going into the stores. i even joked and said, “where we going next, the mall” hehehe lol…

i also stood in the check out line in both stores today.

i’m looking forward to going to walmart again tomorrow.

2/24/07. i had a bad experience at walmart today. i was doing well, but it was just so crowded, i experienced some anxiety and i felt like people were staring at me. i had to leave the store. i wish the experience was better, but i know next time the experience can be better.

2/26/07. Hi everyone!!!!!

i just had, an amazing time!!!!!

i visited with my friend Amy at the subway restaurant that she works at.

it was awesome.

my friend Amy, she’s 25 and we live near eachother. She contacted me on myspace. she found my profile. She sent me a sweet message, i replied, and she replied back and gave me her cell phone number. i was nervous about calling her the first time, but as we talked more, i became more comfortable talking to her. Her and i have been talking on the phone a lot, and we have a lot in common. Her and i wanted to visit with eachother. i told her, i’ll come to visit her at her workplace.

before my sister, niece, and i went, Amy and i talked earlier during the day, and we also exchanged text messages. she sent me a text message, saying that she’s shy and nervous when meeting someone in person. i said, me too! we exchanged some more text messages.

we left our house around 4:05pm and went to dunkin donuts. i bought a french vanilla light and sweet iced coffee for Amy, and a decaf blueberry iced coffee for myself. 🙂 🙂

We then went to subway! we arrived at 4:22pm, and we went in. Amy was there early, and we looked at eachother, made eye contact, and we said hi to eachother. i gave her an iced coffee! she smiled!!!!! 🙂

i introduced her to my sister and niece.

there were a few people in there ordering, and they ordered their food, and drinks.

then, my sister and niece ordered theirs, and then Amy made me a 6 inch seafood (with bacon) sandwich for me. we also got some cookies.

i paid for everyone’s food and drinks.

my sister and niece then sat down to eat, and Amy came around and we looked right at eachother again! we made eye contact!!! 🙂 🙂

we were both smiling. she introduced me to one of her co-workers. a nice girl who works there with Amy. Amy and i talked, and she showed me some pictures on her camera phone. we talked a little bit, and Amy told her co-worker, that her and i are going to watch “casper” together. 🙂 🙂

Amy said, did you forget to bring the movie? i said, no way! i brought it! it was a movie i promised that she could borrow. she smiled! 🙂 i said, Amy, i have a good memory. 🙂

Amy then got back to doing some work, and i joined my sister and niece and i ate my sandwich and i also had a cookie (with m&m’s)

after eating, we sat and chilled for about 5 more minutes. then, when we were ready to leave. i said bye to Amy, and that i enjoyed coming, and was so glad that i came to see her. 🙂

she was smiling! and i was too! 🙂

she said she’ll call me tonight after work. 🙂

on the way home, Amy and I exchanged some nice text messages. 🙂

i told her, i’d love to see her again, and she said, “definitely” 🙂

i had a great time. 🙂

NO ANXIETY!!!!!! 🙂

this has been an amazing day, and i was thinking of everyone, who has been so supportive, and who believes in me. You all are wonderful, thank you. 🙂

2/28/07, a day i will never forget. Amy and i talked on the phone, and she mentioned that she works at 5pm, and her and her son could stop by our house to say hi. i said, sure. i told her the directions, and they arrived. my mom, older sister, and my younger niece came out too, and i introduced them to Amy and her son. my mom said, “where are you all going? mcdonalds? Amy said, sure!

Amy, her son, and i went to mcdonalds, and she bought her son a happy meal, and then we went to dunkin donuts. We were listening to some music, evenesence, and i bought a french vanilla (light and sweet) for Amy, a hot chocolate (with extra whipped cream) for my mom, and a decaf blueberry iced coffee for myself. i asked Amy, if she would like to park in the parking lot, to talk. she said, sure. she parked the car.

Her son was enjoying his happy meal, and Amy put on some other music, and we talked, and made eye contact, and smiled, and it was just amazing.

Amy put on a song “Love Song” by 311, and i held out my hand, and Amy and i held hands, and we looked at eachother, and were smiling.

i then, came closer to her, and i whispered something into her ear. i whispered, “can i keep you?” (it’s from the Casper movie)… Amy smiled, and said, yes of course!

she put on another song. it’s a song by the RZA (as bobby digital) and the song is called “love jones”

we continued to hold hands, and she found out where i’m ticklish! (my arms and sides) lol…

i kissed Amy’s cheek, and we looked into eachother’s eyes.

i then kissed Amy. (my first kiss)

we talked, and i asked her if she would like to try my decaf blueberry iced coffee. she took a sip of my decaf blueberry iced coffee.

then, she said she wanted another kiss. i kissed her again.

she rested her head on my shoulder, and i rested my head gently on her head.

we talked for a few more minutes, and then she drove me back to my place. i thanked her for the great time. We were smiling so much. i still am smiling, just thinking about it. 🙂

i wasn’t nervous at all. going into mcdonalds, i felt no anxiety. i truly believe, that i am overcoming my shyness. i admit, i want to work more on overcoming my shyness, one day at a time i believe i can make more progress.

today, was just wonderful. i really enjoyed the day. 🙂 i talked to Amy earlier, and told her, that i really enjoyed today, and she said she did too.

This saturday, i’m going to Amy’s place and we’re going to spend the day together. We’re going to order some chinese food, and watch “casper”.

3/2/07, Amy and i talked. i felt like things were going a little too fast (like rushing into things) and we’re going to slow down. i cancelled our visit tomorrow… but, she understands. She says she wants to help me overcome my shyness. i told her i have a long ways to go. i’m glad her and i are still friends. 🙂 her and i will talk still, and maybe go get an iced coffee or maybe see a movie sometimes.

3/3/07, i was feeling really down earlier (and i still am a little down about cancelling the visit with Amy today.

i called Amy, and i talked to her, and i apologized for not coming today. she said it’s ok, and there’s no need to say sorry. she said i don’t have to feel guilty, or bad about not coming, and that there will be other chances to chill sometime. she’s being supportive, and i’m thankful. She’s fine with us just being friends for now. She says she wants to help me all she can, with me overcoming my shyness. I thanked her.

i went out shopping with my parents and my niece. we went to target and then to walmart (the supercenter one)

Target was really crowded. i had doubts about going in there. i went in though, and it actually wasn’t bad. i looked around a lot (got my sister a birthday card) and looked at the electronics area, and saw some cool stuff. we were in there for about 45 minutes, and i even went through the check out with everyone. i didn’t have any anxiety or panic attacks in there. i was surprised.

Walmart was really crowded too. We were in there for about 50 minutes, and it was going well, but once we got to the food area, i began to feel anxiety and it was so crowded on certain isles. i helped my mom and niece get a turkey and i put it into the shopping cart for them, and it was so crowded around that area, i felt like this person was watching me. i had an anxiety attack, and i had to walk down an isle (the isle with the stove top stuffing) and i was just… disappointed, that the anxiety got to me like that. i didn’t leave the store. i felt ok, but then my mom and niece went ahead, and my dad and i were on the isle with the hot chocolate, and my dad, he stops and goes a lot, and there was someone behind us waiting to go by with their shopping cart. i just felt this anxiety, like the person behind us was just staring, and i had another anxiety attack, and i told my dad, i said “come on, let’s go”… and we found my mom and niece, and i just about had it, and was exhausted, and i didn’t feel like i could handle another check out, so my niece and i walked outside. on the way out, there were some girls selling girl scouts cookies, and they asked me if i wanted some, and i said, no thanks, but my mom will probably buy some on her way out.

i was relieved to get back to the car, and i sent a friend a text message, and then i called Amy, to say hi, and we talked for about 15 minutes. she mentioned that she may be able to stop by my house with her son and brother, and i said, ok… maybe… if you have the time and she said, when you get home, give me a call.

we got home around 2:55pm, and carried the groceries into the house, and about 10 minutes later, i called Amy and asked where they were (she mentioned they were going to mcdonalds and taco bell earlier) and when i called, she said they were right near my old high school and i said, cool. so they stopped by, and i said hi. i met her brother, and Amy gave me some snickers peanut butter trail mix, and snickers caramel nut mix. it was very sweet of her. i thanked her, and we talked for about 3 minutes. i said it was nice of them to stop by, and thank you again for the snickers treats. i gave her a nice pat on her shoulder, and she smiled. we said bye, and then i sent her a text message thanking her again.

right now, i feel completely exhausted and tired, because of the two anxiety attacks in had in walmart, and i’m taking it easy the rest of the day, for sure. i just need to rest.

i’m gonna watch an episode of the sopranos tonight and enjoy some snickers treats that Amy gave me.

3/6/07, my friend Amy and her son stopped by our place yesterday. She brought me an iced coffee (decaf blueberry) and some hot chocolate. it was very sweet of her. we talked for about 10 minutes. We enjoyed visiting with eachother (and Amy and i made eye contact a few times)

been feeling up and down lately, sometimes i feel down, out of nowhere too… i’m feeling good today. i have a social situation coming up soon. my sister’s 22nd birthday is thursday, and we’re all going out to a chinese buffet and it’s usually crowded there. i look forward to going.

3/8/07, yesterday we went to walmart. i did well. no panic or anxiety attack. i went into the store, thinking positive. we walked around for a bit, and i enjoyed looking at some stuff. in the electronics area, we were looking at the dvds, i felt some anxiety, and it was getting crowded in that area. i was alright though.

we looked at the snack aisle, and i got some wheat thins crackers (sundried tomato and basil). We went to the check out that wasn’t busy, and i just looked at the candy and after checking out, we left the store.

overall, a good experience. *high fives* for everyone. 🙂

we’re going to the chinese buffet tonight for my sister’s birthday celebration.

things are going well between Amy and i. she came over yesterday and today, and we enjoyed spending time with eachother. She brought me an iced coffee (she’s sweet) we’re going slowly, and getting to know eachother better.

just had a great experience at the chinese buffet!

i had a great time!

we all left our house and went to the chinese buffet. i experienced some anxiety while walking in, because it was crowded, but once we were seated, and the waitress took our drink orders, we then got our food and it was nice the rest of the time. there was a great variety of foods. my favorite was the teriaki chicken.

by the time we were all done, it was easy walking out because it wasn’t that crowded anymore.

we came home, and had some birthday cake. Big Y cake, it’s my favorite.

my sister got some nice gifts. a new kodak digital camera is one of the gifts she recieved.

thank you all, for believing in me. i appreciate it so much!