I have only very recently discovered that I have OCD. It was Vincenzo’s second night in our flat, and when we were going to bed one night (it’s a shared room) we began talking. (I think conversaton was sparked with a reference to freud?)… anyway conversation got a little deep, which I welcomed, and as we spoke in twists and turns, one brought us to reflect on our own behaviors. I was amazed at the parallels we shared in personality and family history, music and chosen paths. I said jokingly that we must be the same person. He told me he had OCD. I realized that there was a possibility that I may have this disorder as well. The next day at work I was feeling quite anxious and out of my mind, and so I began keying in words (as I have done many times before, looking for an answer).. As usual I typed anxiety, GAD, BDS, Natural Remedies, Hypnosis GAD, etc. When I was on a site for Generalized Anxiety Disorder I noticed OCD kind of branched off of it.
Curiosity made me search OCD and read the articles a little more closely, and coincidently I ended up on this site…Now, since that conversation I had with Vincenzo I have become very uptight around him. Every day when I woke up for the first week after the conversation, he would arise at the same time and follow me to the mirror where I would be doing my hair. He would stand there and watch me and make awkward attempts at conversation. He asks alot of questions. One night I was sleeping facing him and when I opened my eyes he was staring at me. (Our beds have maybe a foot of distance between another). I closed my eyes, and two minutes later opened them again and he was still looking at me in the night. Irritated, I turned violently towards the wall. In the morning when I questioned him about this he acted like nothing happened. He asks many questions that he already knows the answers to (like he’ll ask the same question re-worded 2 or 3 times in the span of a week). He takes pictures of intimate parts of our lives (mine and justyna’s, the other female flatmate), such as her toes or my dirty laundry. Otherwise he is simply constantly taking pictures. He has a great eye for photography but I feel violated by what he is doing. I feel alot of hostility towards him and feel very uptight when he comes around. He reminds me of my sister and my father the way he leaves me no space, the stares, the questions, how inappropriate he can be. But I know that I am just like him, only I think that I hide my o’s and c’s alot better. I often tell people I think I’m going crazy and it is always always taken as a joke, because I appear quite sane, quite level headed, just odd. At my job in reception I think I am most secretive, and I think people here have noticed the most of anywhere that there is something not quite right about me. (they have guessed that I have eating problems, lack sleep, etc., and ask me out of concern, but I feel like it isn’t genuine concern but the product of gossip and attempt lying to cover my problems and I am very unsocial and tend to alienate myself.) Anyways, I get very rude with Vincenzo, who I feel doesn’t “control” himself enough, but really I am chanelling my deep self hatred onto Vincenzo. I feel like a horrible person, I am dispicable to be this way with him. It is just so hard to see a reflection of yourself every day. And it is hard to deal with his behavior I think ESPECIALLY because I understand it so well. In a perfect world we would support eachother but here and now I am victimizing him by alienating him, and he is perhaps unknowingly victimizing me by making me feel like I am in his line of fire.