This is it.  I feel like i am dying tonight.  Boyfriend and I got into a huge fight, i got so worked up and cried that it made me even more sick than i have been for the past month and a half.  my fever is high, stomach hurts, congested, cough.  i really dont think i can do it anymore.  i want to cry but my tears literally burn my eyes….i feel like i am dying and i would be okay with it.  because i am always sick…i think i should be breaking up with my boyfriend, he is not treating me right, but i do not have the strength for a break up, and i love him and i just keep thinking it will be better during the summer. and it will be, but then we go back to college and i know it will get worse again.  how can this be? i thought he was the one i was going to marry.  i guess i thought wrong.  i am sad, i am pathetic, i want everything to be over. there is no longer a balance of good and bad.  if it is all bad what is there to keep me here? i am not going to commit suicide, but i feel like my sickness is killing me and im okay with it-i just want it to be over with.  i cannot take the pain anymore.  im burning up.  and i am online typing.  my best friend is at home because her grandma just passed away, i dont want to call with my lame tears that i always seem to have.  everyone else is out having a good time.  i am 21, this is supposed to be a wonderful fun time in my life.  but no, i am sick in ed every day, i want to be better, but it just doesnt seem like an option.  my doctor doesnt care. i got a new doctor but i cant see him till may 9th. that seems like lightyears away.  i dont think i can make it that long.  my parents are leaving on tuesday for a week for the domincan republic.  they deserve a vacation but i dont think i can make it a day without being able to talk to my mom.  every hour is a stuggle..there are so many things i want in life, a baby mostly, but to have my own house and car and be independent…so many things to live for, but i think i will always be sick, therefore i wont get any of those things, so what is there to live for? i was going so damn well, getting over the rape, being my own person, good jobs, exceling in art and then i got sick.  stupid stupid sick.  i feel like it is all over…….